Poo poo people. in Journal of life stuff

I find myself giving people advice I can’t follow myself. Well, obviously it’s easier to know how to do something than to actually do it. What matters to the other person is if the information is true, rather than if the adviser lives it themselves. The whoriest of whores could still tell someone abstinence is the best way to avoid STDs and it wouldn’t make that fact any less true.

I have been going around and reaching out to people I have known over the years to see how they are coping with isolation. To date, nobody has reached out to me. Typical for my life, but not happy. Trisha was the only person to respond so far. The girl I went on 4 dates with and who broke up with me for reasons she never explained. On one hand, it was nice to communicate with another human. On the other hand, I don’t understand why I matter so little to people when they matter so much to me.

Failure isn’t what defines you as a person. Recovering from failure is. If you fail and give up, like I did when I was at my lowest weight ever and had a bad date, lost my job, and got turned down for a role I was the perfect fit for…then you are a failure. If you fail and you keep going, then you are a person worthy of a place in society. I have spent too many years being sad about failing. It’s fucking disgraceful that the best I can manage out of 20 people I reach out to is that the one person who even fucking replies is someone who dumped me when I told them how happy they made me. I’m not bad at observation. I didn’t miss their ‘obvious discomfort’. But at…grr. No. I’m not explaining this anymore.

What I need to do is stand up and march out of this shithole I have called a life. I need to stop begging people to give a damn about me and instead live like I’m worthy of having people give a damn about me just because I exist.

I want to move to a new city and have the people there be the kind who I agree with, who are thoughtful and considered. Who talk through things rather than try to make the snappiest of virtue signaling judgments. To be around people who would rather believe what they think than appease twitter. But the reality is that such people are rare in the world, and not concentrated in any place.

The consistent theme of my life for the past 10 years is that I have let the actions of shitty people convince me that I’m the source of the problem. Even today I still assume that Trisha broke up with me because of some failure or flaw I had. I blame myself for Rachel cheating on me. The list goes on and on. No more. If I want to recover from my failure I have to accept my failure is believing the actions of shitty people are my fault. I still care about Rachel because she’s a person, and I can at least comprehend why she did things, even if I disagree with them. But she can’t even be bothered to reply back and say “Thanks for thinking about me.” Yet I’m supposed to see myself as the problem in this equation? No more. I must take pride in who I am. I must take pride in what I am.

I’m curious to see how long this lasts. Probably not long enough, but I’m getting angry enough to see the problem and at least talk about it. That’s a start. And every bolder falling down a mountain started with a tiny movement.

Houston is too hot, and because of how globes work, unless I move to AZ it’s going to be too humid anywhere in the US that far south. Once we get west of Illinois, the primary problem I have is that you can’t do anything in a car. Nowhere you want to go is within driving distance. Want to visit a museum not in Sioux City, when you live in Sioux City? Pack your bags for at least a 6 hour drive. I don’t want to have to get on a plane to get everywhere other than where I am. Salt Lake City may very well be a good place for me, but SLC is the ONLY thing out there that wouldn’t require a plane ride, or several days of driving, to reach. And I hate flying. I love planes, but flying is just miserable.

That leaves just a handful of states. Indiana, southern MI, Ohio, Kentucky. West Virginia. Out of that list, Ohio and Indiana are the only two ‘real’ candidates. When I look at Columbus, I see lots of attractive women who seem to be sane. But, also, a shockingly high rate of sexual activity in the state. It’s almost as if everyone there is so bored they all turn to sex to get over the collective desire to be anywhere but Ohio. I have no idea why I see this trend, or what the actual motive is, but I do see a trend of way higher sexual activity in Ohio than anywhere else I’ve looked. I’d love some insight into why.

Indiana, and more specifically, Indianapolis, is cheaper than Columbus, but has less realistic people. This concerns me. But Indiana has several things on Columbus. It’s the same distance to places I want to be as Columbus, it’s $250/mo cheaper in terms of rent. The taxes are the same. The climate is the same. The road network is the same. The population density is lower. The internet is better (municipal/independent fiber instead of AT&T).

You know what. I don’t know much about metronet. Before I decide it’s amazeballs, let’s go research them. DSLReports, gogo!

And yea, ok, so really all I’d be accomplishing with Metronet is not giving my money to AT&T. Metronet uses CG/NAT, or Carrier-grade Network Address Translation. This is what your home router does for your local network. But when deployed at a carrier level (IE, your ISP does it instead of your router) it means that you can’t host ANYTHING on your local computer. No e-mail server, no mumble server, no gaming with friends when those games use peer-to-peer networking, no hosting dedicated servers. Nothing. And, to get around this, Metronet will let you pay them $10/mo for the priviledge of getting a static IP (when, in reality, they could just use FUCKING IPV6 LIKE NON-MONGOLOIDS!) so that you can do all these things.

Ok, ok, but what if they are cheaper per month? Nope. $50/mo is as cheap as they go. Ok, so, one key advantage of Indianapolis just went poof. Damn. Ok. I need to do some more thinking, clearly.