I had a glitch for like a week in April Showers (April 2020)

My last post was coming up every time I tried to make a new one. this is an experimental one.

Well, it’s visible and it seems to be working now. So I’ll…just write. Right.

Psychotrickerist decided that I can’t possibly not be okay (she suggested I was dramatizing, I guess?) and she put me in an acute crisis stress group (did we cover that?) But of course, that lasted precisely one visit. Thank you, COVID-19, I’m not already stressed out. No I’m not.

So I’m still alive. That’s about all I’m managing on a constant basis. The kids are out of school. I am on “spring break.” If they mean “spring psychotic break” then yeah, that’s where I am.

I am being forced off caffeine cold turkey. I have diarrhea like whoa. It’s painful. It might be the Lexapro coming back in, though. I guess we’ll find out. Almost constant headache. Dry mouth. Irritability and plain old hatefulness.

But since that’s aimed at Dick Face, who did another Dick Face Trick, that might not be the drugs. Or the caffeine.

His dad called about the “rent” that’s owed, and instead of owning up and saying he spent it on pizza and whatever dumb things he bought, he said he didn’t have it because I won’t cooperate on a budget. Exsqueeze me? Wouldn’t I be the girl who’s been begging him to sit down before payday with the bills and work out a PAPER budget so we GET IT ALL PAID?

He threw me under the bus. He threw me under the bus. Again. And he’s…being indulgent about this rage I’m feeling. INDULGENT. He thinks this is cute? Oh holy fuck if I had a place to bury a whale I’d fucking spoon his guts into the hole while he watched!

I want my life back the way it was. I want to be gone 75% of the time. Instead, I keep falling asleep. It’s the only escape left. I can’t do anything else. I don’t have a gaming console anymore, I don’t have access to a computer all the time anymore (kids) I don’t have privacy anymore (what door) I don’t have a life anymore. I want this to be next year when the hard stuff is done with.

But right now all I can do is make more tea and grit my teeth. I will survive this. And then I will get away.

Last updated March 22, 2020