I haven't seen Ian since Tuesday night, and I won't see him until late Monday night. It's been heaven. He's at the dance camp in Oregon, and I love it.
I would have gone, except for a few things:
- Dustin and Laura are going, and will be all lovey-dovey, which would be fine, except
- Kenny isn't going, so I'll have no one to fuck, and
- David K has been bitchy lately, so I wouldn't get to play with him either, and
- Plane tickets rose $300 since I last looked at them
- Grace isn't available to hang out with me in Portland either
- I knew that I'd thoroughly enjoy having the time here to myself. Which I so am.
Today I spent basically all day at Kelly's house, belly dancing with her and Erica, and playing with her 3 month old twins. They are so fucking cute. There's something profoundly beautiful about cuddling with a sleepy and happy baby. And you can just make goofy faces and they giggle. They are so simple and transparent.
Don't get me wrong, I never ever want to have one myself. I can't commit 20+ years to caring for a husband, let alone a child. And I knew Ian's personality when I decided to marry him. With babies, you find all about them later.
Tomorrow is my second pole dancing class. I'm excited. There's also a big party an hour and a half south of here that night.
Keri says that it is no longer her assignment that we abstain from sex. It's been a week, and I did some lovely foreplay for him. But he didn't reciprocate, so I didn't do the thing that I'd usually do, which would be to ask him if he wanted to have sex. I just stopped. And he didn't continue. So he got a blow job one time and a hand job the other time, and that was it.
This is because he is an asshole.
Ian thinks he's a feminist. I say anyone who thinks that sex automatically stops after the man comes is not a feminist. And this bullshit lately is even worse, because sex just stopped when I stopped stimulating him. Self-centered fucking bullshit asshole.
I went to Kenny's on Wednesday, and it was lovely. I went to the dance out there, and then we fucked on the leather couch at the venue after everyone was gone and he'd locked up. It was really smoking hot. Then we went back to his house and fucked some more. Then we woke up and fucked some more. Fuck yeah :)
I like my new phone. It's an android, and I'm still figuring it out. I'm not used to having a smart phone. It's kind of nice to not have to be embarrassed when I pull out my phone, like I used to be when I took out my 3 year old flip phone with all the paint scratched off. That thing was beat up, and it was awkward to text with. I even have a fancy bluetooth headset. I just got the highest rated one on Amazon, because the $20 one at Radioshack didn't work very well and quickly broke.
I just got a pap smear and blood tests and a tetnis shot. Everything came back normal-- I just hadn't had any of that done in a really, really long time.
There's a lot to do for myself, and I keep putting it off. I want to get a job that pays me a more grown-up wage. I want to move out of this house and separate from Ian. I want to lose weight, and I want to perform belly dancing again. I want to have a real boyfriend that appreciates me and fucks the shit out of me. That's a lot of major life stuff. It's a lot of work and it's easy to feel overwhelmed by it. Thankfully, I don't necessarily need a new job to move out. Keri swears that Ian loves me, and she thinks that we can fix the problems in our relationship.
I think Ian thinks of me like he thinks of the couch. Everyone wants a couch. They are comfortable, nice to watch tv with, and everyone expects that any given house will have one. And yet, we don't really sit on the couch that often. Ian might be too tired and go straight to bed. In fact, even if he never sat on the couch again, he wouldn't want his couch to walk out the door. He would miss it, and the living room would seem weird without it.
But I'm not a couch! I'm the corvette in the garage with the plastic cover still on, and I'm about to drive off into the sunset without him.
I get sick of Keri and Lily and Kelly telling me that everything will be fine because we love each other. First of all, I don't feel romantically attached to him at all, and second, I need a marriage to include sex. They are not flies on the wall, they don't know how it is to feel rejected all day every day. When he does decide to touch me, it still feels like rejection because he makes it feel like a chore, and because he still doesn't fucking know how I want to be touched.
I'm sorry, ten minutes of shitty vanilla sex every 3 months isn't the extent of the sexual relationship I want to have with someone I'm living with.
But tomorrow should be lovely. And I do really like Kenny. I'll try to do my chores tomorrow, and I'm going to have a ridiculous amount of fun at the party. So yay for that.
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