Sitting here in my office trying to get my work done. Music is wafting over me bringing out such intense feelings. I have tears rolling down my cheeks as it plays. All of these feelings are tied to one thing. They are tied to you my love. Feelings of love and of loss. Feelings of pain, and feelings of yearnings.
I can not tell you how many times I close my eyes, and there you are. In my thoughts and my prayers. I sleep and my dreams are of you. Always of you. My arms ache to hold you in them. My eyes burn because they do not behold you in them. I can not tell you how many conversations we have had in my mind. Just the two of us. And then I wake up, fully expecting you to be there, and you are no where to be found. Every time it breaks my heart that you aren’t there. Every day I go without your love is another wasted day in my life.
Sometimes I tell myself just how stupid all of this is. I am in love with someone that is beyond my reach. I am in love with a queen while I am just a pauper. You are so far out of my league that I just know I don’t have a chance with you. And yet, that is all I want. To be loved by you. To be the one you need like I need you in my life.
I torture myself daily telling myself that I don’t talk to you so it makes your life easier if I don’t keep hanging on to you. But could it be that I am scared to hear the truth of how you feel? In truth, I would rather go through life with my delusions that you love me. I would rather go on as the tortured soul I am than know the truth if you don’t feel the same.
Soon, I will have the pleasure of the exquisite torture. Thinking of you my love until I am in a prison of my own creation. And all too soon, I will feel the walls of the cell closing in. Being trapped in my mind, not being able to express how I truly feel to you.
But what happens if you are the same tortured soul that I am. That you do love me like I love you. That would be a joy I couldn’t imagine. It would be as bright as a million fireworks going off at once. It would lift this weight that I have off of my heart. It would mean my torture could end. But in the end, I am too scared to find out the truth. So, I will stay in my prison cell locked away in my mind. I will deal with the soul crushing loneliness that I deal with every night and day. Because in the end, you are all that I want my love, and you are truly what I need.
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