Disappointing Romantic Prospects in New Beginnings

  • March 14, 2020, 9 p.m.
  • |
  • Public

I think I ruined a beautiful young woman’s crush on me last week. I’ve talked about Evelin in one of my previous entries. Evelin in a very pretty Guatemalan in her late twenties, around a decade my junior. I had her in a couple of classes, a Federal Tax lecture class last spring and an online personal finance course in the summer. I remember the first day of the tax class when I walked in the room and began setting up the computer, it seemed like her eyes locked on me.

Maybe I was imagining it, but some of our emails suggested she might be smitten with me. I remember one in particular when she was asking for my help on a homework problem, and she began the email by asking how I was doing. When I responded, I joke answered that question, “Better than I deserve.” Her response was surprisingly passionate. She said something to the effect of, “You shouldn’t say that! You’re an amazing teacher and you deserve nothing but happiness…”

Nonetheless, she finished her last few classes for her Accounting Diploma last summer, and that was the last I heard from her. Until last week when she added me on LinkedIn, and we had the following message exchange over a couple of days:

Her: Good morning ! Do you remember me ?

Me: Hi, Evelin. You bet I do! How have you been? Has your new accounting diploma led to some new opportunities?

Her: I been good. I hadn’t look for new opportunities. I’m happy where I’m now. But I know need to keep growing my knowledge so maybe soon I will start study new opportunities. How you been

Me: I’m glad you like your job. Although, I’d kind of hope your employer would offer you a promotion and/or a raise for your accomplishment. I’ve been really well. We’re on Spring Break this week, so I’ll spend it filing my taxes, doing some yardwork, spring cleaning, and a few other chores that need attending, but I’ll at least have a few days to enjoy. I had to move some exams to after the break, so I hope my students are using the extra time to study. If I had more students as smart and hardworking as yourself, I wouldn’t be bothered at all. How about you? You mentioned in one of your Personal Finance assignments that you have a daughter. Is she off for Spring Break as well, and, if so, do you have any plans?

Her: Hello ! Happy Saturday !! I hope so too. I been working for them for while. Awe you so sweet I tried my best. I have to say it was a pleasure to have such a wonderful teacher. Oh yes, I have daughter. She will be 8 this summer. No, we don’t have any plans. For right now we are sharing office at work Lol. Wow you have a very busy week. I hope you are able to enjoy some off your days off.

Me: Well, thank you. You’re very sweet, too. Easily among my favorite students. I was a bit disappointed when I realized you were finished with your courses and I wouldn’t get to have you for Computerized Accounting and ACCT 1110 (provided you took it over the summer). Will I get to see you at graduation in a couple of months? Also, and this is a bit of a weird question, but did you visit Beech Haven Baptist Church about a month ago (it might have even been a couple of months by now)? That’s where I attend, and I saw a woman a little while ago in a pew adjacent to mine who looked very much like you. She even had a grade school aged daughter with her. I wanted to say “hello,” but I was afraid of the awkwardness if she was indeed a complete stranger.

Her: Yes, I will in graduation. I know was lil upset couldn’t have anymore course with you. I enjoyed very much been in the class of such smart and wonderful teacher. I did went there couple months ago. I was planning to attend tomorrow. You are such a wonderful person your girlfriend probably is very lucky to have you.

Me: Actually, it’s just me and a pair of kitties. I hope to see you tomorrow, then. I’m also a part of Sunday school class that meets after the service from 10:00 AM to 11:00 AM. It’s sort of a catch all group for those between the ages of 25 and 40. If your schedule permits, we’d be delighted to have you.

Her: Love kitties! Oh nice I would love to part of your group. I definitely will be happy to see you again.

Me: Marvelous! I’m looking forward to seeing you again, too. There’s a good group of people in that class. I think you’ll really enjoy it.

Her: Awesome! Super exciting now! I can’t wait ! I’ll be in the services for 9am definitely I want to assist to the group. Now, I will know someone in the group ~my favorite teacher. Thank you so much for telling about it. Have a wonderful night! I see you tomorrow at church!

Now, a little side discussion. I’ve been outspoken in the past entries about how I don’t want to have kids. That’s still the case. I might actually get a vasectomy in the near future. That said, as I get to an age where almost every woman has a kid, I wonder if I need to be a little more flexible in my requirements. The past two women I dated didn’t have or want kids, but they each had baggage perhaps even more cumbersome than child rearing. While Hollie didn’t have a child, she had a mother with a hoarding problem, and she was crystal clear that her mom came with her, and her mom would take priority as far as her loyalties go. Erika also didn’t have a kid, but she was excessively emotional, struggled with clinical depression, and wasn’t really willing to expend physical effort in a relationship. If a woman had none of Hollie’s or Erika’s issues but came with well adjusted child, would that better? Possibly, I’m starting to think. She wouldn’t necessarily be my ideal, but does anyone ever end up with his or her ideal spouse.

That might be another reason I’m feeling more accommodating. When I was younger, women didn’t really pay me any attention. Now (some) women do, but I also feel like I’m on borrowed time. As of today, I’m officially 38. I’m past my prime, and I’m slowly getting older and older looking. As age starts to take its toll on me, I fear having impossible expectations might ultimately make me miss out one someone incredible.

Besides, I just invited her (back) to church. It’s not like it was even a date. If had been a date, I certainly would have lost points by being an hour late. I overslept due to daylight savings. I woke thinking had plenty of time to fix breakfast and get ready, only to immediately then realize my clock was an hour behind, and the service had started 15 minutes ago. D’oh! No problem, I’d make it there before the service finished, and upon its conclusion, I’d go in and meet her. I did just that, found her in the middle pew, and she gave me a big hug as I apologized for being so tardy. I took her to the Sunday school class, where we sat next to each other and enjoyed a nice class discussion. I also invited her to a cooking class our group was having next weekend (tonight), which she accepted. When it was over, I escorted her to pick up her daughter, then to their car, we hugged each other goodbye, and went our separate ways.

Once I got home, she texted me thank you for inviting her and that she enjoyed seeing me. We exchanges some more pleasantries, discussing what our plans were for the day. She was going to go to the gym a little later, while I was cooking for the week and going to mow my lawn. I mentioned that we didn’t get much time to catch up, and I asked if she’d like to get together later that day or possibly grab dinner sometime during the upcoming week. She was obliged to meet me again later that day. She initially wanted to cancel her workout, but we ultimately decided on meeting after she finished her exercising and I finished cutting the grass. I also discovered that we’re members of the same gym. More accurately, I switched gyms a few weeks ago, and the one I just joined is also where she attends.

I think this was where things went south. I asked if she drank coffee, which she doesn’t, and neither do I, so heading to Starbucks felt like it would be a waste. I asked if she had any preference, to which she said “no.” I asked if she had any preferences, and she said it was completely up to me. I felt like my not having an immediate game plan came off as slovenly. Going for a walk around a park seemed like another option, but she had just finished working out, so that felt redundant and insensitive. I didn’t even suggest it. It was kind of early for dinner, but I asked if she’d like to get an appetizer and nearby Chili’s while we talked, and she seemed amenable to that suggestion.

We had a nice conversation, learning a little more about each other. We talked about our jobs, where we were from, where our families were located, our interests. I felt like I did most of the talking, but when I tried to inquire about her, she wasn’t super forthcoming, and I didn’t want to press her into sharing more than she was willing.

After about an hour, she had to get back to her daughter, so I paid and drove her back to her car where we departed. Her hug didn’t feel as enthusiastic as her previous two. I wonder if she was self-conscious about being sweaty (she wasn’t, but that was her initial reason for wanting to cancel her workout for me). One more slightly strange occurrence transpired before we left. Right after I paid, I said I needed to visit the restroom, and she said she needed to do the same. I went in, did my #1, washed my hands, and exited. I stood right outside the restroom doors waiting for her to come out. After a few minutes, she waved at me from the restaurant’s exit where she had been waiting for me. She either teleports, or she left the women’s room as soon as she entered it because there’s no way any woman finishes her business that quickly. We exchanged thank you texts after we got home, and I said I would let her know when the definite time for that cooking class was set.

We didn’t text at all until Wednesday morning, when I had the start time for Saturday night. She responded that she unfortunately would not be able to attend because her daughter is very attached to her. I expressed that I would miss her not being there, but I respected her priorities. I also stated that I’d hope to keep seeing her in church, to which she replied that she would try to attend.

I haven’t corresponded with her since. I really hope it was her child, Emerita, that caused her change of heart. It makes sense, right? She’s only eight, and if Evelin hasn’t dated anyone while she’s been a parent, that would be a shock to her system. She wouldn’t be used to having to share her mom with anyone, and that change might cause a some objection on Emerita’s part and guilt on Evelin’s. The only other option is that I said or did something stupid. Not that I had my heart set on this girl, but I don’t like the idea of shattering an attractive woman’s previous positive perception of me. My expectation was that if she attended the service and/or our class tomorrow, she at least wasn’t repulsed by me, even if she concluded that dating isn’t something she can do at the moment. Unfortunately, the service and classes were cancelled tomorrow because of the Coronavirus (as was tonight’s cooking class), so I won’t get that insight until at least one more week.

In other news, I also learned a new dessert recipe this week. Slutty Cheesecake Bars. They’re going in the rotation.

Sleepy-Eyed John March 14, 2020

Okay. First things first. I've heard a woman would rather to a restaurant she doesn't like that's new than her favourite restaurant, because a) it's an adventure and b) she's not in control. Asking her over and over again, hey, I'll take you to your favourite restaurant, is kinda like geez, this guy has no imagination, no courage, and is trying to pander to me with something which will make me ultimately feel uncomfortable. So, what I'm saying, is, you should have went with a walk. 'be decisive.' - if she absolutely didn't want to go, she would have said so, and I acknowledge that's good to think of these things, but generally it's an opportunity be with a guy she likes doing something fun, and most women, i assume, are up to that anytime.

Second, you were too timid with your conversation. it's good you asked her out, but you showed very little initiative in trying to get with her, you wanted to include her daughter in your dating life, which while noble for you, is probably a huge red flag to her - not to mention she probably didn't even want to introduce her daughter to a guy she's thinking of dating or even sleeping with, because it's messy - although acting classy is always good, I think in this case you should have been less obtuse about your interest and less pandering in a way, more direct and while I understand you have a church, work, personal reputation to maintain, and this is just a feeling, actually choosing to take the chance to be romantic or INTERESTED in her is where you went wrong. I dunno. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe her being a church going woman from a South American country she appreciates the more dignified approach of hey, I honour you with her saying, hey, I honour you too; but I think you should have moved out of that dynamic fairly quickly and taken an interest in her, such as favourite movie, sports player, recipe, whatever, so she gets a feel for what it's like to spend time with you, not just an interview, but that you're an interesting guy to talk to and care - not too much though - about what she's about. Do you get that?

Asking a specific question shows you're willing to take time with her, and have an interest, even if she can't figure out whether it's cursory or not; a deeply felt communion and commiseration about love, faith, and career seems overwhelming, specially for a woman who is approaching you almost innocently and sweetly. I think you did screw up.

I also hear ya about going over that proverbial hill with age and expectations and attractiveness. I don't know if you told a joke, either, but there's a line in a book I liked, where the narrator, a police officer, is talking with his ex-wife, and he says, "he ventured a joke to test her patience for him." So don't be afraid to use a little levity to test her. Finally, something I heard via a podcast, is to "gauge feedback"- so say or do something, and then gauge the kinda feedback you're getting, and adjust and respond accordingly.

That's all I got.

Anyway, sorry to hear dude.

Marg March 15, 2020

Well - unlike your first noter! - I can’t see anywhere you did anything ‘wrong’ as such - you definitely made it clear you were interested in her. Not having a game plan when meeting may be offputting for some women but equally being too definite with plans can be just as offputting for others - all depends on the person. I really hope it was an issue with her daughter that caused her to back off and she’s not using her as an excuse. Maybe she just needs a bit of extra time to get to know you better before she plunged into the dating scene?
The whole issue of the kids thing is a difficult one. While I agree you may be missing out on someone special who has a child, at the same time there has to be allowances for that child and an understanding of how much time, effort and attention a child can need. I personally tend to shy away from men without kids or grandkids because I feel it really is a different world without kids and it can sometimes be hard to accommodate that whole ‘putting the kids first’ thing when it comes to a relationship. The kids are such an important part of my life that I don’t think someone without kids would truly get that. There again I may be doing the same thing in being too restrictive! It’s a minefield isn’t it??
I feel cheesecake doesn’t have to do much to become slutty - it’s pretty decadent in itself :)

whowhatwhere March 15, 2020

I’m with the 2nd noter. I do not see where you went wrong. I think you just need to chill and let his happen if it’s going to. Everything getting locked down is going to be a huge bump, in fact that could very well be on her mind that it’s taking over everything else.

Small Town Girl March 21, 2020

Wish I had more insight. Dating is hard as hell. You just never know with people. Give her time though, she may come around, and don't give up.

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