Pam-Drama in Life

It’s really not that bad, I just think that title rolls off the tongue. I think it’s all the A’s.

Pam is stuck. In a matter of sayings and I’m not sure if I’m right about this but this is what it seems like from my perspective, a lot of what is probably due to past G/f’s making me feel this way but those things stick with you, “Trauma” or what not.

But I feel like myself, as the uneducated basic boy, should not be as successful as I’ve become. This is that impostor (huh, it’s impostOR not impostER) syndrome is kicking up again.

But I’m jumping about.

The other day I came home from getting Ellie from Daycare and she was grumpy so I gave her a snack then went to lay her down, not intending her to sleep but just kinda-a chill out in her crib. Well she fell asleep, and in turn I fell asleep on her floor and it was cozy and Pam got home about 15mins later, I heard her come into the room then leave, I like to think that she would have seen the scene and had the caucles of her heart warmed but it went all silent and I got up about 15minutes after she got home to see what she was up to and she was in bed on her phone. So I do the usual “how was your day” conversation and she starts to cry and tell me she’s worried that she’s going to get fired because she’s been there for a month and is stuck on the ‘set up’ phase which is preventing her from getting anything done, really. On top of that there’s no real mentor there and everyone is always in meetings so there’s no one she can ask and she had someone else do the set up and it worked fine for them but still not for her and there was this hidden step that no one told her about…

And it’s all very chaotic and she’s basically got no one to turn to at work to help her out and guide her along so now she’s worried that they’re gonna let her go and I think the pressure of holding the household up (finacially) is weighing on her shoulders.

And once again I’m sitting there like “Shit girl, I don’t know what to tell ya”

So of course, because of my past, I start to feel guilty for being successful. Like… y’all saw it, a month and a half ago I was like “Wtf am I gonna do in Ottawa” and everything ‘fell into place’ and I hit the ground running with ease. I adapted like a mother fucker.

So I’m strung between “everything is glamorous (, glamorous oooh the flossy flossy…)” and “My wife’s life is imploding around her”

At this point all I know how to do is to be a pillar of stability and offer what advice I can give, and talk more. But like… Sometimes when I talk I worry that she maybe wants to not talk about it and just focus on something else. I dunno, this whole relationship is unlike anything I’ve dealt with in my past so I’m kinda just pissing into the wind and seeing what comes back to me.

I think the really hard part about what Pam is dealing with is her last job was smaller, tighter, and there were lots of friendly mentors but her new job is very Faceless Coorperation so she’s looking for people with an identity but these people are just there to get the cheque and go home. It also doesn’t help that there’s a transition between CEO’s so everyone is keeping their heads down and off the radar so that’s just exacerbating the situation.