Ramblings of a borderline in Chaos

I’m struggling hard.

My 11 yo daughter who has ODD (oppositional defiant disorder) is now staying with my sister. I feel very conflicted about this. On one hand I’m relieved because our whole house was miserable everyday of life and it didn’t matter what I tried she was getting more and more out of control. On the other hand I miss her. She’s doing really good at my sister’s. Not as many emotional outbursts. No threats of harming herself. I’m happy that she’s feeling better but I’m also crushed because I don’t understand why I made her so miserable..

My emotions are all over the place and I can’t seem to reign them in. I’m depressed as fuck. I’m angry at everyone close to me for really no reason except that I’m unable to discuss how I’m feeling.

Today was challenging, our puppy was way too hyper and my youngest was emotional and I wasn’t handling it well. I was texting my boyfriend and I told him that I was ready to jump off a f**king bridge, that was legitimately how I was feeling. His response was oh no please don’t do that. Ooookkkkk...... Like I don’t really know what I wanted him to say....maybe just to have him validate that I was feeling that way, I don’t know.

So I’ve been high intensity for over a week and I can’t handle it anymore. I have nobody I can talk to that will understand so I’m stuck trying to cope without losing my shit… Hasn’t gone well.

I’m worried I’m going to do something stupid if I can’t bring down the intensity....the thoughts of self harming or suicide get louder and louder. I guess all I can do is wait and hope I’m strong enough to win the battle against myself.