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This is a recipe for a damn fine topical. Warning don’t read if wherever you are the law says you’re are too young to read stuff or you can’t even think about such things. Um, this stuff will not get you high, so, if you and the cops want you to have an illegal smile … try elsewhere.

About a pound of pumpkin seed butter
About a pound of hemp seed butter
2 heaping Tablespoons grapeseed butter
2 heaping Tablespoons arnica butter
2 heaping Tablespoons rosehip butter
24 to 28 grams of cannabis (decarboxylated)
Orange tint dye (Less than you think about a quarter an eyedrop)
Emulsifier (I use liquid soy lecithin, but any you are familiar with)
DMSO Do it by feel, maybe half an ounce (sorry, I know, ‘how can I feel if I haven’t made it before’? I’m still sorry.)
Essential oils
(This what I used for this recipe in splashes but use to your taste)
Sweet orange
Rosemary
Cassia (cinnamon bark)

Ok, you do need to decarboxylate. I am happy to say I didn’t learn that the hard way. Without getting all science-y, you have to dry out De Herb and then put heat to it (like a lighter) to activate the get-high part of marijuana. You don’t have to put heat to it to the point of combustion though. If you want more science-y the internet will bring up hundreds of pages and videos about decarbing. You got to do it if you are going to bake or make a balm, salve, massage oil, salad dressing, anointing oil, etc. out of cannabis. The big cannabinoids are fat soluble (THC/THCA and CBD/CB rest of alphabet). That’s why everyone has heard of pot brownies and no one has heard of pot tofu.

All the butters in the ingredients of this balm are heavy with vegetable fats.

How to decarb using stove. Preheat oven between 210 and 240. Cover cookie sheet with parchment paper. Place cannabis on paper. Unless you live in a well vented house or don’t care what neighbors in apartment complex thin, you might want to cover tray with tinfoil, but that’s for the smell it neither helps nor hinders the decarb. Place sheet in oven. Takes about thirty minutes, but the real test is in appearance; the flower should look much closer to a golden brown than it did when it went in (obviously a purple variant isn’t going to turn golden, but it will darken accordingly). If unsure of your own judgment an image search will show images from people whose judgment is probably no better than yours but they have a picture.

If you were in a hurry … you should probably have started another day. But you could have been melting the pumpkin seed butter and hemp seed butters together in a fair sized sauce pan with, hopefully a lid, mostly for scent, but not completely. It doesn’t matter if you don’t start it until after the decarbing. You do want the butters in a liquid state and on the lowest heat when you add the decarbed flower.

If you are comfortable with stepping away from a stovetop on low, you’ve got a few hours to kill. You could watch a Cheech and Chong movie, or Pineapple Express or go to an AA meeting or a Trump rally. You don’t really need to leave on for a long time, but, exercising your patience is always good and I always feel the longer the better. I’ve never had a batch suffer from being on longer.

Oh, shit. Um, did you grind up your flower or use whole bud before you sent that shit to the death camp? My bad. If it was a whole flower a strainer and cheese cloth to be extra careful would work fine, if you ground it up, you either want to double up on cheese cloth or really sturdy paper toweling or if you have a drip coffee thingy and filters that’s a good way to strain small flecks. So, strain to herb from the butter. I usually strain directly into carafe for the countertop blender.

A pause for a senior ramble; a couple of years ago I bought a fancy blender just for making this balm. It’s not Ninja fancy, but as close as you’re gonna get without a second mortgage or bringing cash to a dark alley. The base, however, is a flight upstairs. This gives me time to make idle conversation with stuff. In part to check out the color (depending on the strain, the color will range from dark green to amber, but immaculately so. ‘The fuck does that mean’ you ask yourself. You’ll know, there won’t be any cloudiness, murkiness, ambiguity. It won’t look like an overlay, or something painted over.

Where was I? Oh yeah, so I chit chat for a bit, ask it how it’s day was, if it has any plans for the evening, if it always knew it wanted to get into dermis. That lets it cool down a bit in the vessel that will heat it back up with friction. When All small talk has been exhausted and we’ve made it upstairs, I add the other ingredients starting with the still solid arnica, grapeseed and rosehip butters, emulsifier, dye, the essential oils and then the DMSO. I have nothing to base this on, but, I have the feeling DMSO loses efficacy after a certain heat, so I use it last. I use the essential oils close to last because you want the bulk of everything in to judge if it smells right to you. The dye, you either fucked up or you didn’t. You can always add more, you can’t take any out though, so, if you’re going to err, err on the frugal side.

Then if your blender has presets, set it too ‘emulsify the shit out of this bad boy’ or ‘awful pup’ ‘good girl’ ‘trifling kitty’ it is really dealers’ choice. Otherwise you want to cycle through medium to high throughout, say, a minute (e.g. first fifteen seconds at a quarter speed, increase until last fifteen seconds at full speed). There should be a frothy head. If not add a bit more emulsifier. Continue. Oh, you might want to check the cheese cloth or something that has the dried raw butter from the first step and see what it feels like on your skin. Why? Fuck you why. Why are you even making this shit? Why. Man fuck you.
Oh, shit. Um, at some point it’ll be perfect and you are ready to pour it into containers except I didn’t tell you needed any until just now. You can of course use anything, but some anything’s are not good ideas. I use cosmetic jars, like the ones you’d find face cream in at Macys.

So, haredawg, where does one, meaning, like, me, get stuff like that? Right here
https://www.newdirectionsaromatics.com/

I said earlier that I didn’t learn the hard way. Like you, when I do online research on a thing with multiple approaches both empirical and silly as an orange president who hasn’t learned his job duties; I take the ones that generally agree with one another, run them through the filter of what I know about cooking and weed, get a composite and make a few trial runs. It’s surprising how many thought you could skip the decarbing and how many skipped the filtering. If someone offers you soggy vegetables in vegetable butter that is completely ineffectual, give them this recipe. They should use all their dope, there are sober people in Maryland. Allegedly.

This is not the best I’ve made, but it is the most consistent and easiest to write., with the least amount of ‘dash here’ and ‘a pinch there’ and ‘add this until it resembles an Airedale at the proctologist’.

For what it’s worth you can something very similar with prescription meds that you no longer get because of the war on … whatever the hell the war on your prescriptions is. Most pharmacies have compounding cream and though you don’t need a prescription for it, it is rarely kept on the shelf. The cream is sort of like lanolin only less sheepy. I mean it looks like lanolin and has the same texture, I don’t know what the hell it is, but it’s universally called compounding cream (I think it’s universal). If, for instance, you had a second and third degree burn on your arm and were given oxys, but, ingest them didn’t touch the pain at the burn sites. Using a mortar and pestle, grind the oxy(s) to powder, mix in compounding cream, spread on burn site in a circular motion (Heh. A rectangle would work just fine). I think it would well with most NSAIDS. Most people would not do that. A lot of people probably think balm is a waste of flower. But boy, when you need a topical, getting high is a lot further from your mind. You just don’t want to feel like jumping out of your skin.

Yeah, sorry about the rambling and half assedness, if you have questions, I’ll try to answer them. And I’m available for Quinceañeras, Bar mitzvahs, bridal showers, funerals you name it.