The fight in Stuff

Things got briefly weird and now they’re getting back to normal. I just thought I would lead with that so this entry wasn’t suspenseful. Or maybe I would be better off being suspenseful.

About a month ago, Kayla texted me late in the day that she was going to hang out with some coworkers after her shift and she’d be home late. I appreciate texts like this. We’re both adults with busy lives and we met each other when we are older and have friends and commitments that don’t involve each other. I totally understand this and I don’t think I’ve ever been one to try to limit her freedom to do what she wants, nor has she ever limited mine.

But she came home the next morning at 5:30. Very drunk. She passed out in bed. I could tell she was drunk and saw no reason to be confrontational with her. I didn’t have any reason to be at work early that morning so I stayed in bed with her until around 9:00. When she started to wake up, I let her know how unhappy I was with her staying out all night like that.

I probably sounded like a mother reprimanding her disobedient child. I confess that. But I was hurt and angry. I didn’t know what she’d been up to all night and, even worse, she seemed to have very little recollection of it either. She definitely shouldn’t have driven home, and that just added to my anger about everything. Do I think she was out cheating one me? Not necessarily. But I wouldn’t say that I’m certain she wasn’t.

I vented with her how I was feeling. She responded with shock at first. I think shock that I was talking to her like that. Then there were tears and apologies. I was glad she at least acknowledged that she had hurt me, but I wasn’t completely feeling better about everything and left to go to work still feeling angry.

When I got home that evening, she was gone. Jake was gone too.

I’ve been meaning to write an entry about Jake and what a great kid he is and how much I already feel like a mother to him. I love him like one of my own kids and I would go so far as to say that I’m equally happy with the idea of Kayla and Jake in my life. In fact, when I saw that Kayla had moved most of her stuff out of our bedroom, I was a little dismayed by what that meant. But it was when I saw that Jake’s bedroom had also been emptied that I burst into hysterical tears.

We had one little fight. It really didn’t even seem like a huge thing to me. I was expecting to come home from work and exchange apologies and have sex and then everything would be back to normal. Instead I felt like my life had been thrown into chaos.

I called her phone and it went to voicemail after one ring like she had hit ignore. I called Jake’s phone and got no answer. I sent her a text asking what was going on. I didn’t want to write all my feelings out in text messages, but I kind of did anyway. I apologized and begged her to talk to me. I heard nothing.

I didn’t know what else to do. I was alone in the house and actually worried about Harrison coming home soon because I felt embarrassed that she would ask where everyone was and I would have to tell her what happened.

I didn’t want to call Megan. I really hesitated at the idea. I didn’t want to drag her into the details of my personal relationship because I know once she’s there she will never leave. But I called her.

I consider Megan my best friend, but there are still things I love about her and things I hate about her. I asked her if she had a moment to talk and she said, “Have you been crying?” I responded with surprise and she added, “you just sound like you’ve been crying.” I have no idea how she could hear that in my voice. But sometimes her ability to empathize is just what I need.

We talked for a long time. I told her everything. To my surprise, her reaction was similar to mine. She said something like, “It’s like a double blow for you to lose her and Jake.” I told her that she was ignoring my calls and she said she would talk to her. I wanted to tell her not to. But I also kind of understood that it might be a good thing.

I sat home alone for a while. Harrison came home and I told her that Kayla and Jake were “out” and asked if she wanted to get dinner with me. We had Thai food and I was a little weepy and very clingy with her, which I’m sure she noticed and found weird.

While still at the restaurant, I got a text from Megan that said, “She’s going to call you.” And then my phone rang almost immediately. I stepped outside onto the street and my first words were, “I’m sorry if I said something that made you feel like you needed to leave, but please know that’s not at all what I wanted.”

I kind of hate that a situation in which I think I was right to be angry turned into a situation where I was apologizing to her and begging her to come back, but that’s really what happened. I know now that she jumps to extremes like this and she and I have talked about it a lot since this happened. It feels the same way when we talk about getting married. I don’t like the feeling that one wrong comment on my part might send her packing her bags again.

Before 10:00 that night they were home and everything felt at least mostly better.

There’s a part of me that really wants to know what Megan said to her, but I’ve resisted the urge to ask.