So the two aren't related. And WTF happened to this text box? It just floats in space on my screen.
I miss Open Diary. Dammit.
So first, an adoption update. The website finally works. www.roadtokally.com . If you can commit that to memory, then you'll be able to follow along since I won't write a shit-ton here about it I guess. I don't write much here at all, really. Long live my regular diary-days, I guess they are truly gone.
There has been so much that I've had to revisit since fall of last year.
Christmas. My 40th birthday. My father's illness. And so on.
Internally, I think I've just been thinking, and rethinking my life. Thinking about Jon. About the lies and about the money. Jon worked for over three months last year, in part to "fix" what he'd done. The impact on him was palatable. Many weeks, he worked 70 hours a week. He never saw his children and I saw what that did to them.
I mapped my life out in so many ways. Stagnation bred inaction and brooding. It is not enough to sit and examine every little thing and rethink every little thing. I can't do that anymore. I can't afford to do that anymore. There are things that I know but I must accept and adjust to what is. There are some good things to what is - things maybe I didn't consider all of the time.
If I were my father, and I was nearing the end of my life, Jon is the only person I'd want to be with. This isn't because he's perfect or great, it's because he knows me the best and he's the father of my kids and I love him...and he loves me.
He reminds me often now that I am worth it, that our family is worth it. He sees the damage everything has caused in a way he hasn't before.
So what choices do I have? Sit and ponder some more while life goes by? Plot my escape (again) and let that lengthy process play out? Let my kids get older and ask more and more questions while I get older too? Wait and hope that I can produce the "rightest", most "perfect" answer and wake up and be 50?
That's not what I want. So I'm not doing it.
Chelsea?
Chelsea had her kindergarten testing this week and, in the words of the psychologist, she "maxed out every test we gave her."
She's so smart, and I don't know what to do about it. She struggles to manage in a classroom; doesn't relate to her "friends" (in truth, she has no friends) and is still prone to meltdowns when things aren't right.
She was tested for reading at a first grade level, because she was so beyond the kindergarten level. Sometimes that's called a "precocious reader". She struggles in comprehension but on pure decoding - pure knowing the words - she's amazing. I always fear I sound like "that mom" but at least I have someone who isn't related to me telling me what I already know.
She doesn't learn to read the way they teach in school. She knows her letter sounds but rarely sounds out words. She just...reads. She loves math. We've had long discussions about magnets, and how they have north poles and south poles and only north pole and south pole match.
It's been suggested to me that I should homeschool her. We have some homeschool materials available at home that I use ,but the fact is, often her behavior with me isn't conducive to learning. She is obstinate, uncooperative, throws tantrums. People who don't know suggest that I'm too permissive. But it's not that. There is no sanction that really impacts Chelsea. For Chelsea, as one of her therapists told me, "control of the situation and herself is the ultimate reward. Nothing can trump it."
What do you DO with a child like this? Intelligent but socially lost? Advanced in some areas but unwilling to demonstrate her skills in an academic setting?
I don't know.
There will be another child, though. I gave you the website to follow the blog, and now I'll make sure to share the facebook group that we've put together so that others can follow along. www.facebook.com/groups/roadtokally You can join it whether you are friends with me on FB or not. We're doing a gift card giveaway, that you can check out. We need to fundraise for this adoption or it isn't going to happen. It's just that simple. It sucks, but it's true.
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