Entries 40

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I have learned to become accustomed to operating in a state of lack. I have struggled financially on and off my entire life. There are long periods of stability thrown in there, for contrast, lo...

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I managed to work on the reselling stuff yesterday, in spite of it being my chemo meds day. To my benefit, I was sitting in a comfy chair. I worked until I was too tired to continue. I tried lay...

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We had a very lazy Sunday. Up until 11:00 a.m., I thought K.’s girlfriend was still around, because she hadn’t texted me to tell me that she had left, like she had the previous day. I am not hid...

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I am getting a little nervous about finances, but what else is new? March and April were the best months in my life when it comes to reselling. I was making my highest gross per item, as well, w...

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When I am here at K.’s house, it feels like the house swallows me whole. I went with Rick yesterday, back to the apartment. We had a few errands to run, and I just wanted to be back in my own sp...

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The macaw two rooms away is squawking obscenities at Rick as he attempts to wash dishes. He wants Rick’s attention, but we try to not encourage the bad language. We typically ignore him when he ...

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Here in the San Fernando Valley in California. The weather is mild, chilly, actually. I welcome the serenity this house provides. The house has a way of relaxing you. I told Rick that I am sleep...

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I didn’t feel like we got a whole hell of a lot done yesterday beyond procuring food. I scored a turkey roast, potatoes, corn, and a whole cinnamon roll cake. It was my mom’s birthday, so I deci...

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Yesterday was a mostly lazy day. I did the bulk of my productive tasks early, and then spent the rest of the day vegging out. I watched a lot of home renovation shows and daydreamed about our fa...

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Chemo days aren’t so bad when it’s also our high holy day. I ain’t gonna lie, I was stoned most of the day. Well, not like stupid high. Just enough to keep me stable and unmoved. I made sugar ...

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I have been thinking about my estrangement from my brother a little bit lately. Our mother and bro share a birthday month, this month, in fact. That would explain the fleeting thoughts about him...

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I made the mistake of taking a puff or two off of my weed vape like an hour before therapy yesterday. I thought that surely, it would not still be affecting me an hour later. Then the session st...

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Monday, I decided I would try taking my first chemo dose in six months. I didn’t expect a different experience from the last go around. About an hour and a half after taking it, the fatigue and ...

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Just putting this here as a little reminder of my to do list for what I’d like to accomplish this weekend. We were supposed to go see Rick’s friend’s play, but Rick expressed a desire for a quie...

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Today was the day. Results day. I was hoping for a concrete answer to what has been plaguing me for DECADES. The rheumatologist tested for lupus, and it wasn’t that I wanted it to be lupus, I ju...

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Rick left for Arizona around 6:00 a.m. Friday morning. I woke when he did, so I could see him off. I snuck extra snacks into the bag with his energy drinks. When he got to the office where the c...

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I had a very tough day yesterday. I was already in bad shape before my therapy appointment. I didn’t get the usual email that contains the link to the Zoom session. I logged into the waiting roo...

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I felt so terrible yesterday that I spent 85% of my day in bed. We had tickets to see a comedy show down the street, and Patton Oswalt was appearing. There was no way I could go. Rick was not up...

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I am in a holding pattern. I have a follow up appointment with my new rheumatologist on April 8th. I am not sure how having an actual diagnosis is going to affect me. I have tried many many thin...

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My mind has been jumbled lately. Just existing. Not having the drive or energy to strive for anything more than basic upkeep on myself and the apartment. I have been constantly stressed out. Hav...

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I have been checking out from the internet. Lord knows I have put a lot of effort into finding new friends online, hoping that the connections would extend to real life, but it has not happened....

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I find myself feeling more and more isolated due to my disabilities. The constant pain makes doing the simplest things almost impossible. Running errands is a sure fire way to land myself in bed...

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Yesterday was our 2nd anniversary. I didn’t even realize until the afternoon. I walked in the bedroom where Rick was watching tv and told him. I knew he already had plans with his daughter, plan...

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My last entry left off on LAST Tuesday. Tuesday afternoon, we headed to the food pantry to grab a few groceries. We got a lot of good stuff to hold us over until I either made a sale, or Rick’s ...

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There are days where I feel like I am dying. When I become exhausted by walking a hundred feet, where every step is met with severe pain or my knees buckling. My energy is always low. Weird symp...

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