Hatchi
Hatchi is the name of my darling Persian cat. She looks like the cat from the Felix wet food advertisements. But with longer fur and an uninterested look in her eyes.
For me a work of fiction exists only insofar as it affords me what I shall bluntly call aesthetic bliss, that is a sense of being somehow, somewhere, connected with other states of being where art (...) is the norm.
Entries 116
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Today has been horrific. The guy I like still hasn’t come online.. does it make it a week? I’m trying with every fibre of my body to convince myself that he hasn’t died, but what else can I do? I...
I’m worried. Getting worried to the point that I haven’t been eating and now I’ve ruined my diet and meal prep. Today is his birthday, and I’ve sent him some kind messages and the drawing I’d don...
I identify as a lesbian, but I’ve started forming some weird feelings towards this guy I speak to pretty frequently online. But everything feels so terrifying now because he hasn’t texted me in t...
Putting books and whatnot away in Loves me Not
I don’t think I’ve ever put ANY of my books into storage?? I just haven’t? So now I have a giant blue box and deciding which books to keep in my room and which ones are going to the garage. The ...
Very tired. Spent the whole day being useless and a burden (even if I did change out of my pyjamas).... My diet has ultimately killed my appetite, though I miss egg custard tarts a lot and wish I...
I regret a lot. I regret so many decisions I made when I was younger, because they’ve absolutely ruined so many chances for me now. I regret falling in love, and I regret picking up art. I regret...
My cousin was telling me about her secret boyfriend today. She met him through me, we were childhood friends before he moved to London. She was talking about him and their long term goals and how...
I can’t do it. I can’t f*king do it anymore. I can’t draw; no matter how much I try, I can’t draw. Nothing comes out on the paper like how I want it to. I’ve gotten worse. Since the start of quar...
I know a person who loves supporting LGBTQ but is defensive of racist caricatures? And he loves drag, but hates women who are openly sexual and pushes demonisation? I don’t get it. Maybe I’m stup...
I don’t know why but I’ve been waking up with an immense amount of pain all over my top half.....which is weird because I’m eating okay, being fairly active and taking my pills. My body just feel...
Im filled with some immaculate self loathing at the moment… my parents kept arguing and that made me feel crummy, I’ve screwed up a diet, my body is trying to shut all of my plans down and I’ve b...
Put on a pair of skinny jeans and BY GOD did I look bloated....I am bloated. I don’t know how I went outside yesterday in them and I’m pretty sure I got weird looks from a number of people. I’ve ...
I am very much filled with self hate and weirdly,,,,, subversive hate? I don’t know. I’m just filled with a lot of feelings that I can’t tell anyone so instead I’m oversharing in this journal? I ...
I’m gradually losing all energy to do anything when I literally have no excuse. Depression is dicks and I honestly want to beat it in with a bat because I’m ripping out my own mental hairs by sta...
I feel weird. Nothing makes sense and I’m just hearing family members talk about me behind closed doors or in Urdu. My head is cloudy and I can’t feel happy like before. I just want to cut and cr...
Vanished in Loves me Not
I started this book the day after finishing ‘The Weight of a Thousand Feathers’ and honestly, I’ve only brought myself to read 3 pages before losing interest which I really HATE!! It’s been ages ...
Ate 3 meals today like some sort of lunatic. I sat there and ate as if I didn’t have a trouble in the world. It was disgusting and I want to throw up everything. None of it tasted good and I can’...
The Weight of a Thousand Feathers in Loves me Not
I finished reading this one earlier this evening so, I read this in 4 days? Because it was AMAZINGLY gripping and made me want to cry and cry and cry (except I didn’t because the ending was just ...
About a Boy in Loves me Not
I bought the book in December.. 2017? Why did I wait so long to read it??? It took me about 2 months to read through since it felt like the type of book I could easily just put down at any time b...
Stepdad’s birthday. But we’re all a bit stand-offish because of that bathroom incident, constant arguing between my parents and a possibly overheard conversation I had with my mum about my sexual...
I walked in on my stepdad butt fucking naked in the bathroom shaving his balls with the lock OFF THE FUCKING DOOR I cried from the shock of seeing someone in a room that I presumed was empty, an...
I had a dream about her last night, as much as I want to say I’m over her. She took me by the hand and danced the silliest routine for me in the sunset. She’d send me texts to come back whilst I ...
My parents are fighting a lot more and it’s really distressing me.. I’ve gotten so many more urges; even as I write this I still have swelling from drawing lines on my arms. I am such a fucking m...
I honestly hate pride because it reminds me how I can’t be out and happy. I’m still closeted out of fear and out of my own internalised homophobia to the point that I scorn others for being happy...
I started bead looming for a feature on a project and I can’t bear to tell anyone that I’m having a meltdown because of how self destructive I am. It honestly makes me want to cut my arms to have...
