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Page 27 of 53

I’ll never be Lord Bryon I don’t heal that fast I could never be that oily and I’m running low on gas now I don’t blame you, baby if you want Lord Bryon’s ass but that man is dead and buried...

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she dreams of lacking internal contradiction she dreams of no longer being legion she dreams of possessing not a single paradox she dreams of no longer changing with the seasons she dreams o...

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This is a hard time to do comedy because there’s nothing funny about Donald Trump being president. There isn’t. Nothing. Oh, don’t get me wrong. Donald Trump himself is funny. ...

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hope is a hummingbird tiny and nimble easily crushed can fit in a thimble hope cannot sleep would die if it did but can fall into comas when its well-hid rest for a while hope drinks...

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there’s no time left for redemption even less for closure we’re thick as thieves and we’re as thin as sin and losing our composure this goddamn midnight sun it’s gonna be a scorcher but that’s th...

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did finally listening to the voices finally make the voices stop? did they make you hook up with a lawyer did they make you marry to a cop? does your mother’s voice still tell you you’re too...

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Who am I if I am a member of this racist homophobic misogynist nation? Who are we if enough of our fellow Americans enough to voter suppress their way to victory believe in this much raw ...

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the stories you tell are something like spells they’re the closest that we have to magic each word misspelled in a sentence you tell can be mistaken in ...

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Everyone says oh God if the Professor was so smart why couldn’t he fix a boat if he was so smart why couldn’t he built a raft? He was on an island paradise with an elderly couple a gay ...

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all these years we figured the surveillance state would be wall-mounted and forced on us through fear in the end they’re in our pockets and we paid for it in the end big brother broke ...

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We are a nation founded on the notion of standing up to born-rich bullies then watching them pop like balloons in the face of a real fight. We are a nation founded on the notion of ...

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when damned near everyone has a camera in their pocket attached to their phone is everyone a filmmaker? is no one a filmmaker? what is a filmmaker? what are you? what am I? when damned near...

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There’s nothing more narcissistic than self-deprecation, of course. It by definition involves talking about yourself, talking about myself ‘til I’m hoarse. Whether telling the world...

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moth fell in love with firefly firefly don’t even know moth followed always from just behind hypnotized by the glow dazed by the light of some far-off thing that’s how dreams tend to go moth...

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two for the diabetes one cuz I eat like shit one for the high blood pressure one for so I don’t have fits two for my aching back four for my aching head through the mirac...

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a diamond is just dirty coal transformed by pressure and by time a pearl is just a bit of grit transformed by an oyster’s brine perfume is only whale vomit mixed in with a couple of...

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fix me to a star and I will sail forever dogged juggernaut fix me to a star and I won’t stop until I pass out or hit land tell me a direction to drive and I will go that way until the t...

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The Halloween Pledge: I will not slut-shame or size-shame anybody’s costumes but I will absolutely stupid-shame where and whenever appropriate. I will not tell you that your Harley Quinn g...

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“Consider the lilies in the field,” they will say leading up to election day “they do not toil, the freeloading bastards they are pirating water and soil that is far better used by corporat...

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I try my best to be a straight ally to my friends who are gay or trans or bi or in every other way do not fit the old sexual and gender binaries that are oppressive to even straight cis peop...

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Of course your web browser has an inferiority complex, YOU’RE ALWAYS MINIMIZING IT. You’re always keeping tabs on it. You’re always erasing its history. You’re always making it go backwa...

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whenever they say “please hold” during the course of telephony I like to pretend they mean that they’re very lonely as if they’re saying as if they’re begging “please hold me” it’s too ...

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The rights allowed prisoners are the baseline of the rights you will have as citizens in a time of fresh crisis. Attica. Attica. Everything you let them routinely strip way from a w...

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Writer’s block is really only a problem if you don’t let yourself write crap like this. Stuff that is banal and borderline obvious. Get it out of your system and then move on....

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Vilifying the Hamburglar that’s blaming the victim don’t put him in a jail just yet get the man some clean burger wrappers get the man into a twelve-step Ronald, you know the levels of s...

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