Entries 194

Page 4 of 8

I just made that up, i am not sure what “the big take back” really is. I had this vague thought about an event here in Portland called the Slut Walk, basically a “transnational movement of protes...

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One of my favorite books growing up was The Secret Garden and The Little Princess by Frances Hodgson Burnett. I always loved (what i later learned was called) magical realism. While these books d...

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Yesterday i felt an unformed anxiety in the bottom of my throat, toward my chest. It felt like the day was going to go badly. There was a beginning of the heaviness. Yesterday was a good day, tho...

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Today i was almost 30 minutes into meditation and my body began to move. I allowed it to do what it needed to. Basically my shoulders and head were being lifted and slammed against the floor. It ...

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My dreams were thick and active last night, but i don’t recall much of them. The only image that sticks out is being in a house (i am buying?) where there is an intentional gap in the wall. I was...

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Here i am, starting my fourth entry, on the 4th day. But, its 7:28 am and i have a meeting in two minutes. I have a packed weekend: Friday i am taking myself out for a movie, then i have am havin...

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For the first time in a few weeks i am feeling good about work. I heard Jamie’s wife Gaby mention something called imposter’s syndrome (often accompanying perfectionism, which i am no where near....

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Attempting to stay with writing something each day, here i am. There are only a few minutes left before i have a staff meeting. I need to read an article called “Fear of a Breakdown”. Interesting...

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For years i’ve thought of joining in NaNoJoMo, or something like that, but i am not sure i have the dedication to write every day. I feel like it would be helpful to write, like opening up a bloc...

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As part of self care, i put a little money on my credit card and bought a groupon for an hour massage and an hour at a local spa-type place. It’s definitely more hippie-like, clothing optional wi...

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24-48 hours later is when the raw sets in, my therapist Bill says. Last session i headed straight to Mojo’s and we hiked/walked 4 miles around Mt. Tabor and ended up eating raw oysters. This time...

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A happy entry, first. Then the harder stuff. Over the past 9 months since i met and fell in love with Jamie, i’ve dated on and off- though nothing serious. There have been play dates for fun sexy...

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Monday was tough. I felt fragile and thought i might not make it though work. I did, though. I spent both Saturday and Sunday night with my love, and it helped. I’ve told him what i have been exp...

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Today my TRE went in a different direction. My right arm felt like it was being pulled out of its shoulder joint. I lay there, later on after some meditation, and I had vocalizations that remin...

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Please, as a warning, there is triggering content in this entry. I will talk about child sexual abuse later on, after the bold text. Please feel free to read before then, if you want. Here i sit...

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That’s all i can say for now. I hate that my first reaction to any distressing emotion is to cry. I feel foolish. So, i sat in a meeting with the principal, assistant principal, school psycholog...

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After three nights of dark dreams where i thought i was the cause of death, i realized that was just my perception. I was not the cause, just attached in some way. Dream #1, the saddest- I g...

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Slowly ive cut out NPR and podcasts, instead listening to calm chanting and what youtube calls “meditation music.” All the talking was too much in my brain. So much information that i may enjoy l...

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Life happens, of course. I am sitting here in my new classroom, the 4th in 5 years, working with 5th graders instead of 7th and 8th graders. I love it. They are so sweet, very receptive to positi...

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Its been so long since i’ve written. The other day i gave my love a little gift, just a card game we played during a weekend in Seattle. It was after his 50th birthday and i did not feel it was e...

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Today I lock in my (historically low, so ive heard) 3.625% home loan. The appraisal came in higher than my offer on the house, which is just super. It came in at 217k, and my loan is 209.5k (afte...

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Yesterday i walked to the local farmer’s market to pick up a locally made Portland gift for my boyfriend’s wife’s mother (who then was taking or sending it to the southern US). I was chatting wit...

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I have a lot to pour out. The last few days have been trying, and pushing the boundaries of brings me to that dark turn of mind (lyrics written by Gillian Welch). At least now i can see the trigg...

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The bell just rang for all students to depart. This has been my favorite school year so far. I celebrated my 8th graders moving on to high school, knitted them little bookmarks as a small gift. I...

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Last night i had a surprise date, and i am sorry to say- and i need to be honest- told a lie about why i couldn’t go on a previously scheduled date. It’s one of those things i need to work on and...

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