Entries 98
Page 4 of 4
With me
You’re home with me now. Your Dad brought you to me. We wept together. I thought perhaps that holding your urn would make it more real? It doesn’t. You would like your urn, I think. I hope you...
I wasn't done
I wasn’t done loving you. I wasn’t done making memories with you. I wasn’t done holding you. Kissing you. Laughing with you. I wasn’t done. I wasn’t fucking done. There’s so much longer to li...
Go
I don’t want to be here. I don’t. This world terrifies me without you. I’m so scared. I went to bed at 11pm and by 5:30am decided that I probably wasn’t going to eventually fall asleep, so I’m...
Here, without you
The apartment feels empty without you. Of course it does. I spent the day shampooing the carpets. I know Dee did his best while I was gone, but he was/is grieving too and let some of Grace’s acc...
Comin home
I’m sitting in the airport, waiting to board my flight home .. home. Is it home anymore? I’ve never sat here alone and not talked to you while waiting. Not planned what our evening would look li...
Out
I went out last night. To the pub, with my friends here who are more like family than my own blood. And as the long table filled up with chattering people and hugging, I looked around and realiz...
I can't
I don’t know if I can do this. If I can keep going. How am I supposed to keep going? I feel nothing. Nothing but the crushing weight of grief. Nothing but missing you. And the tears just keep co...
Ashes
Your Dad picked up your ashes today. Your ashes. In your urns. The urn I choose for you. I engraved with your name. Your ashes. All that’s left. Dust. How can a man such as you be reduced to ash...
Movement
I’ve been thinking about my future. I don’t like thinking about my future because we had our future planned … but that’s gone now. Sometimes … always … that’s a hard pill to swallow. Part of me ...
Here with me
You’re with me forever now, Babes. Permanently in ink on my arm. You would be with me always regardless, but having your writing on my arm now feels a little closer. I keep running my fingers ov...
Truths
I know stress contributed to Chris’s heart attack. We’ve had a tough year … putting Turk down in January at only 3yrs old, then losing his beloved Socks in March to old age at 13yrs. Then findin...
On a wave
Emily and Evan are both working today, so I find myself alone in their home. Very strange feeling to be a guest in your mostly grown daughter & son-in-law’s home for the first time. It took m...
Drifting
I’m in pain today. Excruciating body pain. And so cold, despite it being a perfectly acceptable temperature both inside and out, that my hands turned white. I know it’s because I showered, got d...
Anger
I get so mad. So fucking pissed. But there’s no one and nothing to be angry at so I just simmer in pain. Why? What the actual fuck have I done to deserve this? The douchebag sperm donors, the ex...
347 hours
Thats how long its been without you. In 15 years I’ve never gone more than a few hours without talking to you. And now … its been 347 hours since I heard your voice, since I touched you and you ...
Life
I think what hurts the most is that I don’t believe there’s anything after death. I never have. If there were life after death, then what is the point of life to begin with? I believe our souls a...
So many words
I think I figured out why I had stopped writing here for so long. For the last almost 15 years, Chris was my OpenDiary or Prosebox. He was my sounding board, my best friend, my confidante, the c...
Nausea
God I feel sick. So sick. Is this grief too? I learned that there’s a difference between grief & bereavement. Idk wtf the difference is, you’re still gone. I ate half a chicken breast and s...
Memorials I guess
I’m so glad I saved your silly paper towel & sharpie love notes. I know we said we would never tattoo eachothers names on our own bodies because it’s bad luck but .. I think we’re a little p...
Uncomfortable
I keep waking up through the night, every couple hours and tossing and turning. And sweating. So much sweating. So uncomfortable. But in bed, sometimes, when I’m asleep, I forget you’re gone. Th...
Rest
I’m exhausted. Emotionally. Mentally. Physically somehow. Sleep is elusive. I try to keep my same routine - climb into bed around 9pm, turn the TV on to a docu-series, play games on my phone unt...
I'm scared
Is fear a part of grief? Is this part of missing you? Why am I afraid? Of living without you? This isn’t living. This is mearly existing. I take breaths because my body is on auto-pilot but I ...
Hello darkness,
I said goodbye to you today. Your hands were so cold. I wanted to memorize every line of your face, I wanted to remember how your fingers felt entwined in mine. It’s so hard to sleep without yo...
