I'm not ready for this. in Why Not

  • March 15, 2014, 3:44 a.m.
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  • Public

My Dad has a date tomorrow night.

I'm trying so hard to be okay with it. Really, I swear I am trying.

But I'm not ready for this.

And I want him to be happy. I don't want him to be lonely. I don't want him to be sad.
I don't want him to cry over Mom everyday, but I need to know that he thinks about her all the time.

But I'm not ready for this.

She will be gone for four years in July. Some days that seems like ages ago. Today that feels like last week.

This woman lost her husband last year. She grew up on the same block Dad did. They were childhood friends, even went to the same high school.

I'm sorry he hurts. I'm sorry she hurts.

But I'm not ready for this.

I told him it doesn't bother me, but it does. But I would never stop him from starting again. That's not my place. That's no one's place.

I told him don't expect me to be anything more than polite. Don't expect me to be happy. Don't expect to be all that nice.

I am 33 years old, I do not need another mother. I have a mother, she just isn't here anymore.

And don't for one second think that Jesse needs a mother either. I've taken care of him since he was born. I am the one who will mother him.

I love you. I don't want to see you suffer. No one should have to live alone forever.

But I just can't be ready for this.


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