I know that if C ever pops back up in my life I should ignore him and block him. That is the only response that should happen. It’s the only thing that does any good at this point. I realize I still have fear for those interactions. My mind plays with how I might react to being caught off guard. How much anxiety will it cause? Will I be able to show strength? The fear of never knowing how he would react in the past fuels this panic I feel wondering whether the next time he tries contact it will be more direct and if I will be able to handle it well. It seems so stupid typing that out but I think at its core it’s about control or wanting to be the one who has it now instead of him.
It felt really strange the time he tried to make contact with me a couple years after the breakup. I predicted it would happen and I laughed when it did. It was his pattern of course. It was like a shot of adrenaline through me though when I opened my instagram app and there was a friends request from him. I think there was this morbid curiosity to accept it and see what he had to say if anything. I think many people wonder how others have changed over time and if they learned anything from the turmoil that happened when they were together. I knew I shouldn’t be getting caught up in those patterns again and after letting my husband in on the news, I denied the request. And was promptly sent a second…which was also denied. There was a sadness in it the second time that I’m not sure I could explain. However I feel like I finally put a different spin on a bad pattern and it gave me something to cling to.
I don’t think I’ve detoxed completely from it yet. It has been another few years since that incident and my body is on edge wondering and almost bracing for contact. It’s such a small interaction that causes me still to coil and wait. The pattern is wired in. Does it get better with time? I don’t know. I won’t know until I pass through it. I have to unwind and look around me for the safety I actually have because it’s all around me.
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