I realized that I have been forcing myself into a state of perpetual depression because knowing (or believing the diagnoses of) I am bipolar I have been confusing being happy with being manic and every time I start feeling happy I pull myself back telling myself I'm getting manic.
A week or so ago I just said screw it and let myself be happy because I have been so depressed. Suddenly I realized this wasn't manic at all, it's simple happiness. I remember what that used to be.
Sure, there's a level past that which is sort of manic but the worst I do in a "manic" state is talk too much and spend a little too much money. Not crazy spending but too much. I'm aware of that though and if I feel myself slipping into that I can control it and notch it down a bit. If I'm not sure, I notch it down a bit just in case. But there's no need to squelch happy carefree and wonderful moods thinking they're "bad." The depression had gotten so horrible and I realize that I thought it was "normal."
I think I'm balanced. I just don't think I was confident before.
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