I come here every single day and start an entry.
I don't really know where to go with it.
I always come with a "topic" that I'm thinking of writing about.
Lately my days revolve around how much my marriage sucks, how HARD it is raising a sensory seeking child, constipation and paperwork.
Josh and I have fought it out a few times lately. I don't want to place blame here -- but it's NOT ME, IT'S HIM. I've been cooking, cleaning, doing the laundry, taking care of the kids. He comes home and he's just ANGRY. I know he's frustrated. The bank is still calling every day wanting money. None of the bills are getting paid. There's no food in the fridge. He gets home and the kids are already asleep. But being SO ANGRY isn't helping at ALL. He's sarcastic and rude. He says he's not "mean" but to me, he is. He got mad the other night because HE was out in the garage from the time he got home at 7 until like 9 or 10. I was falling asleep on the couch laying with the kids while they slept. When he finally came in he wanted me to get up and help him with something, and talk. I WAS TIRED. He got SO MAD. Flipped out and went on a rampage, and started cleaning, turned all the lights on, woke Liam up, started vacuuming and mopping the floors. I keep trying to tell him that the ENTIRE reason we argue is because he's got this attitude towards me, but he doesn't see it. So things are terrible right now. I haven't slept in the bed since I don't know when. In fact, I end up sleeping in my clothes on the couch every night, which isn't helping me get ANY rest.
And Joshua, oh, my child. His latest thing is to look for sensory stimulation in his head, face, and jaw. USING MY HEAD AND FACE. He squeezes my face and puts his nose mouth and chin up to mine. Pushing against me. It HURTS. His OT showed me how to use compression and stimulation back on his head and jaw and it does work a little, but it's a constant thing. And the jumping. He just jumps all over the house. And runs into things. And climbs things. It's a FULL day for me.
And I mentioned, he's SO constipated. I finally gave in and bought Miralax. He has to take it every single day in order for things to stay moving. I mix it in water, and then mix that into water kefir, and today I mixed with homemade elderberry syrup. So at least it's one hell of a healthy concoction he drinks at least once a day. But if he stops taking the Miralax he literally gets to the point of needing an enema every other week. It sucks. Digestion and gut issues are common in Autism, it has nothing to do with his diet, so food recommendations don't do much for it.
And paperwork, OH THE PAPERWORK. I have files upon files. I have an appointment at the social security office on the 30th to apply for his disability. At the same time, I can apply for food stamps. You have no idea how it embarrasses me to write that. But right now, it's my truth. We can't afford food. WIC doesn't help enough. Josh is working HARD, anywhere up to 80+ hours a week, and is starting to train for higher positions. But right now he just doesn't make enough.
That's where we are right now. I know most people are writing about Christmas preparations and cheerful holiday stuff right now, and we just don't have that. We aren't having a nice happy holidays. But we're working hard to get things on track and I hope by next Christmas, things aren't so hard. I hope.
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