Most of the time, I do believe that something is wrong.
I feel it, back in the depths of my head. Of my mind. Behind the barrier that is Lexapro, guarding me against the depressive impulses, there is something there. It’s brewing. Simmering. And one of these days, when I find out just what it is, it will overflow with a smoldering boil.
I have sensed it since we first moved. No, since we left that night. The night that we finally, finally got the rest of our stuff out of the house and left for Republic. Now here we are. It’s been two months since then. Two whole months since I’ve left Mt. Vernon. And as far as I see it, I made no difference in anyone by leaving.
Nobody has attempted to talk to me except Avery. Nobody else. I’m alone here since Robyn left too and went with Dad and Erin. They live 30 minutes away now. But apart from all of that, something is wrong.
That night we left, I can’t even explain how… empty I was. I felt numb, broken. We were taking things out that night, somehow managing to shove everything in the van and car. I went with mom in the van, holding my fish tank in my lap as Jenny meowed behind us along with the dog. Maybe I just have too many pets. But before that, when Dad had come to pick Robyn up for the first and last time there, Jenna and friends were walking down the street.
That was the last time I saw them or spoke to them. Two months since.
I’m not there anymore. I’m in Republic. I live in a duplex with my parents. I have a cat, dog and betta fish. Things are weird.
There is a barrier out there in my mind, separating me from my true feelings about leaving and me now. It’s blocking me, and I don’t know what it is. A defense mechanism? Is my mind trying to protect me, to shield me from a mental breakdown? Whatever it is, I don’t want it there. I’m not… Elana anymore. I’m just a shell of who I used to be. I don’t like that at all.
A viper has bitten me, and its venom is slowly, slowly infecting me.
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