Two years and five months ago I did the hardest most heart wrenching thing I have ever had to do. I live with this decision every day of my life. I had a daughter, and I choose to give her up for adoption. It was important to me that I found a family that would be comfortable with an open adoption. I can contact the family whenever I want. We check in with each other at least every month. Also we make arrangements to meet about every three or four months. I love this family they mean the world to me. We have an excellent relationship honestly I don't think I could have chosen a better family. They are the most caring and beautiful souls I have even come to know.
When I was pregnant my boyfriend at the time ( the only serious boyfriend I have ever had) was there for me threw the pregnancy and the birth of our daughter. He made it very clear that whatever decision I wanted to make was 100% up to me yet he would support me with whatever I chose. When I first found out I was brim full of emotion. Me and my boyfriend had been so young at the time. Waves of confusion, anger, and fear hit me hard over and over again. I was drowning. Abortion was never an option for me. I have always been for abortion but when I actually found out I was pregnant I just could not go threw with it. For the first four or five months I thought about keeping her and raising this child. Then reality struck I had no job my boyfriend had no job my mother had no job. I was still attending high school. At that point I knew what I had to do. I had my whole life ahead of me.
Attending high school wile I was pregnant was a struggle to say the least. Living in a small town means every person knows everything about each other. Lots of people made rude comments. Teachers looked at me like I was a disappointment. I could hardly sit still threw class. I did the best I could considering my situation, and I stuck it out up until the end. During my whole pregnancy I never found out the sex of the baby. Not that It was to painful but because how often in life do you get to be truly surprised. After I had my daughter I gave myself two weeks before attending school again. I went back caught up with all my work. I had completely changed as a person after that experience, the situation left me with no friends. My boyfriend started acting different as well. Sure enough he got caught at school with a large amount of drugs. He left school and moved away to Colorado he went completely off the rails. I was left alone no boyfriend no daughter so I dropped out of school. I was depressed and couldn't shake it every little thing would set me off. Getting out of bed was a struggle. I never felt more alone. Eventually I got out of my little funk and enrolled in my high schools alternative schooling program. I graduated early last year.
Not a day goes by that I don't think about my daughter. I never knew what love felt like until I looked at her for the first time. The only thing I am left with are faint stretch marks and photographs. Also the pure joy that consumes me every time I have a chance to see her. Even after all this time I have bad days often. Today Is not the greatest day. I can truly say my heart hurts, a piece of myself is missing.
Birthdays and other holidays also trigger bad days. The worst day of the year is mothers day. I know what I did for her family and for myself was the right thing to do, but it also was the hardest. My daughter deserves the best life she can get, and I am forever in debt to her Because she saved my life. If it was not for me getting pregnant I would most likely be dead by now I struggled with addiction, and was far from stable. I was heading down a very dark and dangerous path fast, before the pregnancy. This whole experience has forced me grow into a better more mature level headed person. I am glad to say I am proud of the person I am today. I can't believe how far I have become and how strong I can be.
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