I’m not even sure where to begin…my head is usually swirling with to many thoughts, but today its like a damn hurricane up there.
Yesterday, oh the mind fuck it was. I began by trying to get my license reinstated, I got all the paper work together the woman informed me I would need when I called. I took it all to the BMV, just to find oit it wasnt even for the right date, the lady gave me the wrong date. So, I had to postpone court until I could get the proper paper work, only to find out after calling my old insurance company, that I cant get a copy of my old insurance policy was in my previous name, and they need a copy of my ID before sending that info out, how ever I had a name change, so the name on my ID is different. In order to get a copy of my legal name change papers to send to the company I have to set a court date, and that just will take to long. So I am stuck just having an ST 22 bond and paying a shit load of money to have it all reinstated.
Reason 300 being Trans fucks every aspect of ya life, everything is always so complicated.
Thursday I finally went and got the couch from Tori, with the life saving help of James. He even helpee me pull everything out of thr storage unit, reorganize it and get everything shoved back in. Tori was civil, even had agreed to hang out Friday.
We did hang last night after all. All of yesterday was weird with her. She called me early, just to talk, odd. Even called a few times throughout the day. When I tried to figure put what she wanted to do, she through me off guard, asked me to come over, have dinner and watch movies.
She cooked dinner, we watched Vampire Diaries, all the while she convinced me to help wrap her nieces, nephews, and god kids Christmas gifts. We even talked about everything, Id like to say everything is on the table, how ever, even though it took a yeat for her to admit she cheated on me, and said she felt bad for lying about it for so long, I still know deep down shes holding back the extent of the situation between her and that man. I thought that her admitting it was going to make me feel better. It didnt, other then making me feel less crazy, in the aspect my mind was making things up. Im not sure how I feel, while the situation was happening knowing she was lying to me, madr me really feel like she didnt care, what else was and did she do? Like I mesnt absolutely nothing, now that she admits it, makes me feel even more empty. How could you lie to me, everyone else and portray me to be some delusional person. Does she even really love me? Did I…have I been fighting for someone who truly doesnt love me? It was just something that sounded good to say…to make me feel bad for constantly digging at her for the truth. Though, If I’m being honest, the past year would have never happened had she let me read those messages when I asked. I would have kicked her out of my house right then and there at 4 a.m, I never would have moved into the condo.
Some how she had restored my faith in love....now it’s destroyed. Completely obliterated.
What makes my state of mind worse is, I allowed us to fool around. This was not exactly the best decision for given situation, my craving to feel her skin against mine got the best of me. This emptiness inside is slightly relieving, its like being in shock from a trama. Just hasnt exactly hit, yet. Im just so confused by her actions the past year, I’m confused by what she says now. I was so great in the beginning until I became Lucifer, but she cheated on me in the beginning when I was so great....so even then “being great” wasnt enough. Will I ever be enough? Does she love me? Really love me? Or am I just some sorta safety blanket....
My heads pounding. To much Jack, not enough sleep.
....the nap we took after fooling around, was the most content I have felt in some time. It was ruined when she asked to move into her bedroom, overthing took me over. “Who slept here, what am I doing, this is just going to end badly for me....she doesnt truly love me, shes just lonely....” once those little tears began streaming from the corners of my eyes, I got up and packed up my things up. As I went to kiss her head before i left, she asked for her phone, that as usual she keeps in another room, when Im around, awkwardly hides her screen if does use it....by any who....I retrieve it, kiss her dore head, and head to leave, before I do she asks what I have planned for today..but didnt exactly state why… so we shall see…
What she does next....
But most importantly what I do next....
Naptime. ZzZzZz
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