Random....since this obviously my random writtings for the month.....I figured I start a new book for letters to people. Friends, family, past lovers, and friends. I tend to bottle things up, never letting things go, never allowing my self to express anything about said person or subject. Whether past or present, I feel its good to address, except, heal, and move forward. If you never heal from it, you’ll for ever bleed all over ever other aspect of your life....until it begins destroying things.
Tori and I decided to try and fix things, after she admitted she did cheat on me with that guy in the beginning, (inappropriatetalking and flirting, but swears they didnt sleep together) …I came to find out she been flirting and talking with some guy since she told me “she cant do it anymore”, all the while she telling me she isnt talking to someone and she cant because she loves me. Now that we decided we were going to work on things, she seems irritated I asked her to address this dude, also irritated I feel insecure about him… like you lied to me and everyone I know about cheating on me, for the past month you been talking to someone and hanging out with him, even though she told me there wasnt anyone....but wanna get mad that I’m insecure. I’m scared this is gunna be a repeat of her lying about talking to someone again for a year.....idk wtf to do. She lied and said she can’t talk to someone because she loves me and obviously that isnt true....so does she not love me as she says? Or as much as i love her....because I couldnt even think of it.
Its like a rerun of me wondering what she says is true, like I wasnt good enough for her to tell me the truth in the beginning, whats changed now? I still have to pry the information from her about this kid, she seemed very hesitant to say anything to him. If it was me shed want the person blocked ect, and yet they are still friends even tho she admitted there was the beginning of something there. Yet she says, I have to get over being insecure, though she isnt making is easy hiding this info, or lying about it. Though if it was me id have to tell em off and block them, instantly. I truly believe she doesnt understands how bad about my self she made me feel with the whole Sharrod situation. I plan to give it some time…see what happens and how she handles these thing, and if these guys keep appearing.
I will not, ever, second guess my worth because someone wants to hide face, and ignore, or not be accountable for their actions. I can finally look my self in the mirror knowing I’m getting back to my self.
It wont be taken from me. Back to work....
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Some times, the small red flags I see waving are hard to ignore....and they down right crush my hope.
When your partner expresses they are in a mood, usually you inquire as to why, help them feel better or sort through it, I find it a blazing red flag when they don’t. Im torn between Im to paranoid for this because of the already blatant warning signs, she really doesn’t grasp the work it’ll take for this relationship possible, and my least favorite, she just wants her cake, and to eat it to.
She called me....I tried to talk, but because she was getting ready for work it seemed so one sided, i just told her I was tired and hung up. Im still hurt over the fact she said she wasnt talking to someone else, yet come to find out there was things going on with this Terry kid. Flirting, constant talking, hanging out, and who knows what else, even though she said many times over there wasnt....and there was…again had to pry it from her to find out.....
I wonder if id feel better if she was more forth coming with this stuff, not beat around the bush, try and hide it or lie about it, knowing what shes doing is wrong, and if it was done to her shed feel the same.
That big dark uncomfortable blade in throat feeling is coming back....the void in my chest.....
How can someone who claims to love me keep doing these things, claim to want to fix things but keeps holding things back and lying....
Ha. She was probably hanging put worh him....while shes telling me theres no one else....like she told me she loved me....knowing what she did with Sharrod was inappropriate....that she lied about it and hid it from me....but still could utter that L word to me.
Sometimes I wish I didnt love her so much. She looks at me, and I cant think straight, she speaks and I agree and follow… I wish she saw what she does to me.....
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