Spinning Out Of Control in God, With Skin On

Some days the silence is deafening. Maybe God is tired of me screaming and yelling at Him but right now in this season of my life, I feel He has abandoned me. Maybe it is just the holiday season. For those of us who suffer from mental illness, the holidays can be brutal. Depending on who you believe, there are more suicides during the holidays. In my case, I know of two that were right before Christmas so I tend to lean to that philosophy.
We hermits don’t really choose to be this way it just happens over time. My job is one that I spend much of it alone. Add to that when I go home I am alone and you have a recipe for too much time on my hands. Idle hands are the devil’s workshop my mom used to say.
But where is God in all this? I pray every day for Him to help me. But then, maybe He is and I don’t know it. I have no idea what my day could be like. Perhaps the monsters under the bed are being kept at bay. I just see their eyes.
To look at me you would have no idea the thoughts that run through my mind. I am by most accounts successful. I have a job I love, it pays me well, I live a good life, I don’t want for anything I need, and yet I am miserable. And I know there are people out there who have it much worse. But that doesn’t help.
The first step is to admit you have a problem. The second is often the hardest, asking for help. So many Christians think we are weak or sinful if we admit to having mental issues. So most die daily in silence. And the silence is deafening. And the church doesn’t help. The struggle is real and we have to learn to live with it until God shows up. That’s the reality of it all.