I think I'm having a panic attack...
About moving...
I talked with Cori a few hours ago and he mentioned how he's relying on me when we move. And I know grad school is intense but I started doing some research and I just came upon site after site that says it's nearly impossible to do graduate school and a job, and some programs even forbid working while in school.
I only have retail experience and while theoretically we would live somewhere cheaper, I just... I can't support both of us. I just can't ! I have a $320 a month car payment ! That's HUGE. I mean, that could literally be almost a rent payment for a one-bedroom apartment.
I know he will do what he can; I know he doesn't want to freeload. But at the same time I don't want his studies to be jeopardized. And forget me going to grad school ! I just...
I am literally panicking right now. I was kind of hoping he'd be able to work enough to at least split the rent cost, and I know my parents said they'd help but I just don't know it will be enough. The only thing I can think of is I hope to God he gets a fellowship or grant or stipend but... he already didn't get a scholarship for his McNair program that apparently 19 people applied for and only 2 received. I just... I know they do it mostly based on merit but it makes me angry that the 2 who received it probably don't need the financial help (maybe they do, I don't know).
If I had an amazing resume and lots of varied experience, I'd be less worried. But I can't do much with my resume by the end of the year. Did I make a terrible mistake thinking I could be with him ? I love him so damn much and I'm just so upset that I can't easily be with him... hell, I don't even mind if it's not easy but now I'm thinking it may be impossible. And then I keep thinking, well, if he goes on his own, what would he do ? How would he plan to pay rent or tuition ? Because if I'm really THAT worried, I'll just move in with Catie in Kettering (about 45 minutes away from Cincinnati) and just get a job there and live there. But what if Cori goes somewhere else ? Baltimore would be okay. Morgantown would be... difficult... because it's isolated and my prospects for a job may not be that great there. Minneapolis would be fine since he's already living there and has a job and friends there. Washington state would be the most problematic...
I'm seriously flipping out. I feel the same I did back in July when I didn't know if I should move to MN or move in with Melanie or move with Catie... (for those of you who remember that nervous breakdown)
I'm just really scared that now my prospects of getting into trouble are fifty times as possible as they were.
~Rachel
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