no future whatsoever, i just want to rest in Up in the canopy

I don’t feel like doing much of anything at all. There just really seems no point in doing anything when I know that I’m never gonna get what I want and I just feel no good at anything. I love to draw but lately, I’ve very little interest in it. I really hate that, and I kind of hate everything. I wanted to do inktober so badly, I’ve spent years admiring all the art from afar and now that I finally built up the courage to start my own art Instagram, I just don’t feel like I can do it. I’m days late and I tried, I really did, but it just seems like I lost all ability to do anything good. And not to mention how miserable I am, I just want to be a squirrel so badly so I don’t have to feel the crushing weight of self awareness. Everything fucking sucks and I just don’t want to go through any of it. I think I finally understand suicide. I “would dream of all the different ways to die
Each one a little more than [I] could dare to try” That’s from king of carrot flowers by Neutral Milk Hotel. It’s literally the only thing I can currently stomach for long periods of time. None of this matters anyways because I’m not going to kill myself, even though I roll it around in my head sometimes, and I even say it out loud to myself. I’ve still got a bit of hope for some sort of improvement to my life, because there’s immense room for that.
I like writing here but it probably will end up being another thing that I can’t be bothered to do anymore. I hate everything, I really do. But I can’t do much to alleviate this feeling that skins me to my bare bone. JK…unless ;)