I’m so done with my stupid boyfriend sometimes. Like he just doesn’t understand what I’m going through at all. I have to help my mother, parent my sister, and keep the house from falling apart while my mom is in recovery.
I don’t always have time to text him back because I’m busy. Sometimes I don’t receive notifications on my phone. I don’t want to be in constant contact with my boyfriend, I want my space. He just doesn’t understand how busy I really am. I feel like he thinks I just lay around and ignore him, while in reality, I’m running around trying to help everyone out.
He thinks that I put him on the backburner and thinks that I don’t love him because I don’t “look at him like I used to.” Yea we’ve been in a relationship for a long enough time where I’m not going to look at him like everything is puppies and rainbows. We are very much not in the honeymoon stage anymore. We are supposed to be in a mature, adult relationship, but he treats it as we are children sometimes.
I do everything I can to make him happy. Hell, I just bought a $30 fucking game so we could play together. I always make sure I pay for our dates when we go out (or at least offer if he steals the check first.) I do my best to spend ALL of my time with him. I make sure that his friends like me and do everything I can to make his life easier.
He still acts like I’m such a horrible girlfriend that doesn’t do anything for him. I even apologize when I know for a fact I’m not in the wrong. I’m so sick of dealing with a child all of the time that just doesn’t understand the fact that I’m busy. Just because he’s laying around the house, doesn’t mean I am. I have shit to do!
And even if I don’t have shit to do, sometimes I just want to relax and watch television with my mother and spend time with her. I don’t want to always have to be connected to my phone. Sometimes I just want to relax with food and ignore my phone. He knows I’m not going out anywhere (because if I was I would tell him that I was going out and who with) so I don’t understand why he makes such a big deal out of it.
I’m so sick of trying with someone that keeps trying to make our relationship like it was in the beginning. The great thing about a mature relationship is that it evolves and things change. Things aren’t supposed to stay the same forever. You’re supposed to be able to look at me, half-naked on the bed, eating a burrito and go, “that’s my girl.”
I will never look at him in the way I used to. I look at him with even more love in my eyes than I used to, I look at him like we are equals and that it’s us against the world. He just doesn’t see it like that. He thinks that I’m not interested in what he’s talking about because I’m too sad and depressed to even care about myself. I want to die every day. I miss my grandmother so much, and I just want her next to me to hold me. He doesn’t understand that I have to think about my mother dying because she has a very real cancer and it will keep coming back. It will never fully go away. I have to worry about moving away and not being able to be here to help. I have to worry about my sister every morning, and what it will be like if I have to put my life on hold to take care of her. I think about this shit every day and it weighs on me.
He’s depressed and has his own problems to deal with, so I never try to put my issues on him, but he makes me feel like such a piece of garbage because I’m so emotionally and physically exhausting day after day.
Part of me just wishes that I can just end it all so I don’t have to deal with this anymore.
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