yesterday feels like forever ago. there was something i wanted to remember. something i wanted to write about. no idea what.
the past few days, ronan has become the little prince of my sleep. i wake up, and in my dreariness, his warm little body is beside me, responsive to my kisses on his cheek, his hands. in the night, he puts his arms around my neck and pushes his nose to mine, and that’s how he wants to sleep. we’ve really got to get him into his own bed, but he’s plaguing me with his affection, and i feel a deep sense of comfort knowing he’s okay when i wake up in the middle of the night.
he likes to lay on his back with his fists up by his ears, elbows bent. he looks so peaceful. and if he happens to wake up, the first thing he says is, “mama,” in the most affectionate tone. his relationship with both nick and myself is so profoundly close, so intimate, that i find the overt damages and dangers some parents thrust upon their little ones so immensely jarring and hard to imagine. hurting my child is so far removed from my psyche, but i don’t want to overblow my love for my son. i know that every human being is capable of dark things, and i am not above the fray in that regard. perhaps i just haven’t been tested in the same way. i don’t want to be too judgmental when i hear a man sodomized a 16th month old boy in my city so desperately, that he had anal and genital tearing, as well as brain damage that will render him unable to lead a normal life ever again, but part of me knows that whatever that guy is, or whatever is in him, is not me.
maybe we are just vessels of evil brought on by chemicals, genetics, and circumstance. how much can you hate the man vs. the chemical? i don’t know, but i do hate him. i hope he dies painfully.
i can’t look at anymore news today. there was a tragic house fire in which a young mother, a baby, and her 4 year old son died last night, i believe, and there’s one more child with serious injuries still fighting for his life. then a 15 year old kid died on a motorcycle. and it’s just rapid fire trauma and death.
i feel sick.
Loading comments...