I feel very vulnerable and a bit insecure about myself, because its hard to be a girl in Saudi Arabia, even though things are changing, it feels uncomfortable; my dad makes me feel that I am a sinner or have made a big mistake, I just can’t live here anymore, I literally don’t have many choices. YES I KNOW I CAN CHANGE MY LIFE AROUND, but with ABSHR ( Authorization of a male guardian to travel) I can’t leave whenever I want to, I am living within chains of doubt and desires, one of them is crossing the other. I just want a way out, I feel so disparate that I can’t enjoy my life...... How can I when I actually live the same over and over again like Cinderella or perhaps Rapunzel, who has a routine life and eventually escapes but after years of trying, I literally keep thinking about changing and organizing my room, maybe it would change something? but whenever I do, I get bored and change it again...... Painting it might do the trick but wait, it’s the same thing as moving the furniture around. Ah and therapy they keep feeding me with useless ideas and keep changing their minds about how to treat me....
Honestly even though the treatment is for free, they take ages to schedule an appointment..... also the name of the hospital sounds like they are treating you as if you are a lab rat, they bring students to treat you as if they are suddenly experts...... I am just going through a phase of I really don’t care about living here anymore.... I am losing my patience with everything from jobs to finding courses that are affordable, getting my license I mean can you even believe that my country is the last country to drive ??? I can’t even imagine how other women are being treated in their jobs, how many men harass them.... I can’t. I am a women, and being pushed around isn’t a good thing..... Can I just leave? I want any work permit… any where maybe Canada ? or somewhere where women matter? :-( I am losing my patience and can’t keep it together, most of the time I breakdown. Heck even after I am done from writing, I will breakdown because I feel alot of pressure and stress. I am 28 years old and it sucks to be single in this country, because now that things are changing, guys are dating and most girls are left behind, guys can have sex but girls can’t; they have to do a virginity test.... they would be lost because there is no women rights yet.... even though we do have a line for sexual harassment, we can’t defend other women..... Can you imagine how my life is being 28 and single stuck in a job I don’t want? yes this part seems familiar but you’ll understand how a Saudi female feels.... Foreigners come and have a better life than me because they were born somewhere else, and when they come many companies offers them a better salary than a Saudi.
I want to disappear…
but how can i?
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