What's the point of studying for my exam tomorrow when I've just become addicted to House of Cards?
I feel like I don't know who I am anymore. Sure, I know my goals and ambitions and I know where I'm at, but I don't know how to define myself in the absence of being defined. Maybe I'm not giving myself the time to write myself out, maybe I'm lacking the kind of deep connection I need to feel sustained, maybe both.
I come home to my apartment from work, class, meetings, and I make myself a shitty dinner and my roommates don't ask me anything and Patrick doesn't text me and Shanti and I send each other meaningless snapchats throughout the day, and who have I really talked to?
How can I know if I'm okay if I don't give myself an opportunity to think about it? If no one wants to know if I'm okay?
I feel two kinds of emptiness, I think: the emptiness from lacking sadness, and the emptiness from no sense of personal direction.
I have a lot to do but I don't have anyone to relate to. I guess I'll just keep watching House of Cards and letting people to believe there's nothing more to me than what they see.
I mean, I have Patrick, I have a best friend, I have wonderful roommates, I have found my passion in my major and career aspirations, I have a sense of place on my college campus, and yet I feel so alone?
I don't know how to deal with the things in my life I've never dealt with, nor do I want to, because I'm so stubborn. But I never thought I'd be a person with a trigger, a person identified by her past. I don't want to be that person, but I am. I've always hid it, but what is that doing for me?
Is it wrong of me to be frustrated by Patrick's reactions towards me when I probably maybe possibly need professional help?
What if I'm trapped inside myself forever?
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