There are so many things I want to say and yet nothing I want to say.
Things are shitty in my life. As usual.
For one thing, I got really tired of seeing my ex and his stupid GF bragging on Facebook about all the things they have and do, so I called child support in October and started complaining about him saying he didn't have any money yet he just bought an Xbox. I called every single week. And finally I got a sympathetic woman who immediately put out every notice that she could and told me she would follow up until I got a payment. This was in November. Then I got a check for $65. And another one. And a third. Holy crap, he just gave me $195 out of the $30,000 he owes me!
And I cannot begin to express the joy I felt when the GF posted on Facebook that they needed to sell the Xbox and games asap to the highest bidder. The only game system I've bought in the last 12 years was a used Nintendo DSi to replace Kara's stolen one. You know why? Because I am a single mom and can't afford to buy that kind of shit! I'm not a dumbass with 4 kids and trying to make a 5th when I'm $30,000 in arrears for the first one! And the next thing I know... I get paperwork for a child support adjustment hearing. And considering I'm PT and get assistance, and he's bragging about the $5000 he made in October, I think he's in for a surprise.
However, I am worried about what else might come up with this hearing. There are some things going on around here that I'm not going to talk about here that would not look good. I am hoping that gets bypassed, and we go straight to him signing all of his parental rights away in exchange for me dropping all future child support. He hasn't seen her since her 2nd birthday anyways (she's 12), so what's the big deal with letting me change her last name and dropping all claim to her. She's my daughter. MINE. And that $200 a year that gets dragged out of him isn't going to make a difference anyways. On top of that issue tho' is an even bigger one that I need to get figured out ASAP.
I've been at the same job for over 8 years. It started as 25 + hours a week, and at the time I was living rent-free in an apartment over my parents' barn. Then 6 years ago I moved into a trailer park, which wasn't badly priced, but all of our hours got cut to 20 at work, so I was making ends meet with very little to spare. However, the place went to hell, so I got a loan from my mom and moved into a condo 2 years ago... and that's when everything started to fall apart financially. I was already losing work hours due to severe depression issues. I went from a lot rent of $300 a month to a mortgage and HOA fees of $525 a month. My gas and electric were the same, but water and sewage were no longer included in the monthly fees. My home insurance was almost tripled, and the car insurance company found out I wasn't living at my parents' anymore and I got kicked off the policy. Things went bad very quickly, and my mom helped as much as she could by paying for my car and house insurance and buying necessary things like toiletries and clothes for Kara. I just couldn't keep up tho', and after 2 years here, I am just paying enough to keep my utilities from being shut off. My dad had to give me money to buy birthday and X-mas presents for Kara and tires for my car because they were so bald I probably would have gotten into a severe accident this winter. Now the ABS and anti-skid controls are out on it, and I don't have $1500 to repair them. Then my mom sat down with me a couple of weeks ago and said that things are not going as well with them, and she doesn't know how much longer she's going to be able to help me like she has been. And then 2 weeks ago they announced another hour cut at work, so now I'm down to 15 hours a week unless someone in the office quits.
I'm scared like I've never been before. I've been barely functioning in my depression for the last 3 years as it is, and now I have too much getting thrown at me at once (there are a couple of other things that I'm not going to discuss here) and I am freaking the fuck out. No one else is going to hire me with the issues that I have. I can try to apply for disability, but it can take 2 years to go through. Besides the obvious, I also have 5 little fuzzy babies that depend on me for food, shelter (and litter), and all my mom can say to me is that I better take care of my car because I may be living in it someday.
And my ex is out buying an Xbox and worrying about if his 5th child is going to be a boy or a girl. And now writing this entry has gotten me so frazzled that I've just ripped the tips off of all of my nails. I could really use a little bit of a miracle right now... just a little...
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