I’m feeling stuck and stagnant, having an unconquerable level of distraction and an inability to focus on anything I need to be doing at work.
Things contributing to this place I’m in:
~Kathy’s terminal diagnosis. Connecting with the mortality of the ones I love, especially those who are much older than me and will most likely die before I do. This grief arises several times a day and is a new experience for me.
~Stress around my relationship with my parents; i.e. emotional exhaustion working with maintaining my own boundaries, staying self-connected and in a place of self-acceptance while filtering their loop of “unenforceable rules” and “shoulds” down to feelings and needs, and just not taking them so personally. Sometimes I just don’t want to do it and I can’t.
~My sister’s situation. This actually seems to be really improving, from my perspective, and she seems to be making huge strides. Most of the stress here is actually dealing with my parent’s interpretation and reactions to her situation. Sometimes I can really carry it and am willing and able to be a compassionate listener for them. Sometimes I’m too triggered by what they say to stay present. I’m getting better at interrupting in “giraffe” but it is also exhausting.
~Background anxiety about Naropa. I haven’t heard from them yet about my grad school application and being patient is becoming challenging.
~I’ve been staying up really late for weeks now and not sleeping more than 6, sometimes 5 hours a night. No good reason. Just watching TV. It’s awful and I’m exhausted.
Apart from these situational things, this is just a cycle I go through every so often, and it’s more crippling at this moment than I remember it being since I started working at Care Partners 3 years ago. I have a list of things to do that are quite actionable, but it’s excruciating to just begin. And what’s worse and not as common in the past, is even after beginning, it is excruciating to keep pressing on and do the next thing, and the next. And the longer I put things off and the more time I waste, my anxiety rises and rises, and my thinking becomes stronger and stronger that I am a terrible person.
I want to cry, and I want to quit, and I want to sleep, and I want to abandon everything and everyone and go start over somewhere. AVERSION. Thank the Dharma and NVC for being so clear. It does help to have some understanding that these behaviors are normal, a part of being a person, and also an attempt to meet unmet needs.
I’m getting assessed for ADD on Friday. I hope that will shine some light. But maybe I’m just a millennial who grew up in the era of distraction (aka aversion) and my experience isn’t diagnoseable/treatable by chemical and/or ADD focused therapy. Time will tell. But in the meantime, I’m really struggling.
Actionable (but challenging) things I know would help/things I would like to be doing, in order of how doable they are:
~Meditate at least every day in the morning, if not also on one of my 15 min breaks at work and before bed. Even just 5 mins at each break would be helpful and acceptable.
~Read every day in place of watching TV, even if only a few pages.
~Take walks or exercise daily, even if only for 15 mins.
Deep breaths. This too shall pass. Thank goodness for impermanence.
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