True Confessions in Negative Nancy

Back in the days when I weighed 281 pounds and my diabetes was out of control and I was in a crippling depression that left me basically only able to do what was required of me to hold down a job I would find myself a thousand times a day thinking I wish I was dead. Slowly I got the diabetes under control which led to the depression getting better and I found myself changing and becoming consumed by diet and exercise for 3 ½ years. Than one day last summer that phrase started creeping back in. Since then I’ve been on a desperate search to find something to make that feeling go away. I’ve “gotten religion”, including getting baptised and going to church frequently, praying, making religious friends. I’ve gone to counseling and “graduated” with the therapist telling me how wonderful I’m doing, and yet the first thought I woke up with this morning was I wish I was dead.

Now I’m at a loss as to what to do next. I don’t seriously wish I was dead and I know that humans have anywhere from 12,000 to 60,000 thoughts per day and that the majority of them are negative. I know one thing that would help is taking my Prozac daily instead of taking it for awhile and then stop taking it when I feel good, and I just realized that another thing that has changed in the last year is I stopped doing Zumba. Guess I could get back into it. Only reason I stopped was that Angie wanted me to do the cardio she assigned me, usually running so I was spending 2 or more hours at the gym. My other thought is to get a book from the library about positive thinking. I know it works because for years I told myself I couldn’t lose weight and the only thing that changed is I started believing I could.

In totally unrelated news Gina had me over for dinner last night. Lainie was very good with Claira. She shared her toys and me and the only trouble she got in was for not eating her dinner whereas the last several times I have been over there she has gotten in trouble for hitting Claira. Claira was also being oggd. No temper tantrums for the first time in several visits. Lainie and I were reading a book and Lainie was sitting on my lap. Claira decided she wanted to join so I had a kid on each thigh. Lainie wanted to play house with her being the mom and me being the kid. I got a pretend Panda. The panda was really Mabel the cat, and if the cat could talk I’m pretty sure she would have been saying kill me now! Although, I “accidentally” let her loose she came right back when Gina called for her.