Living, coasting, breathing, floating- riding on the breeze Mundanity, and epic empathic vanity Making each day blow past A job that pays alright A man that loves me and makes me feel warm at night Good food and good friends A distant family Helps to forget all the things out of sight
I have to get in touch, and stay in touch with my friends and family across the country... after so many years of saying that, it's still strange to think how far away they all are. A plane takes 5 hours and if I take a nap it feels like 3... truly the transportation system desensitizes me to the reality of the distance I put between me and everything that was once familiar. 9 years ago; today... I made the decision that shaped my life as it is now. I had met a boy and fallen in love only I met him online and he lived in WA, I lived in NY.
I couldn't have known about the severe mood disorder. I couldn't have been prepared- as such a naive child raised in Proper Public Brooklyn Education- I couldn't have known he did heroine. I couldn't have known ... or that he would end up institutionalized after losing his already fragile mind one day- staying up at a friends house, leaving me home alone, in a strange city, in a strange house- so he could do massive amounts of uppers and downers and then come home, not sleep for 4 days then go completely, and utterly insane (no, he never came back from the other side, either)...
I couldn't ever have foreseen the choices I would make or the rock bottom I would hit. The prime of my youth, my early to mid twenties, was lost among the trauma of hard drugs and real-life. Collection notices, vacate notices, papers and papers and papers on the medications and treatments of severe skitzoeffective/bipolar/manic depressive, books on how to cope, how to learn and how to grow, meetings for supporters, meetings for loved ones, classes and so very, many doctor's appointments.
Nor could I have known I would someday come out the other side of that low... I did not allow myself to be a victim. I saw the road I was going down and I CHOSE to go the other way. I chose life. I chose love and beauty and reality. I chose sobriety. And I chose freedom.
I left that boy, I moved out and got a job. I set out on my own, for real, a second time, and found myself a girl, an abusive girl, who I did fall in love with, in terrible, terrible blind love with- and the idea kept me clinging to a relationship that ceased to exist long before we broke up. 4 and 1/2 years later I broke free from that chain and found myself single, for the first time in a while. And it was actually, fantastic.
I got a better job, I claimed the apartment after the girl and I broke up so I now get to chill in a nice sized 2 bedroom, and do whatever I want and it's quite nice, quite nice indeed.
I spent the summer tanning on the waters of this adorable little town, lake-side and rock climbing, hiking and long, fragrant walks through the woods. I took up running and began, for the first time in my life, actually saving money. And recently, within the last couple of months, as the cold weather approached, I met the most amazing guy. .Who is kind, so kind to me, so very good in all the important ways. He is handsome as all hell and he's sexy as fuck. He's smart, he's hilariously funny sometimes, he's oh so clever and he treats me well. He treats me damn-well. He is by far the most stable, healthy thing I have ever had in my life. And I love him.
It's been about 4 months, but I can tell he's going to be around for a while. I'd like to make him stay, somehow, for good but the only draw-back between us is our age. He's 21... I turn 29 tomorrow... We have quite a bit of gap between us and the things we want to do in the near future.
I just want a family... I want the whole shebang.
He wants ten years to figure out what he wants to do. Lol.
All that aside, it's monday after all and 9 years to the day that I left home and never really looked back. I've been in-excusably out of touch with all my friends and family, I've been painfully self-absorbed and internally focused for so long, to everyone it must seem I've forgotten my roots...
I've just decided to let them dangle...
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