Gym gym gym gym gym gym gym gym. Nah nah nah!
So, yes. Went to the gym this evening. I know I'm out of shape but it's always a sobering reminder of HOW out of shape I am when I head to these places. Don't get me wrong, I'm not physically weak but I have a complete lack of stamina. I can push weights. Just not for long. Nonetheless it felt good, especially as I had support. I've been saying I'd get back into shape for a while but it never felt like I had any mechanism in place for it. It was always "We'll go" and never "we're going now". I am a master of procrastination and it's very easy for me to slip into the notion of sitting around imagining I'll do such things and not actually doing them. So when Rob and Ross said "we're going now, want to come?" there were no ifs, ands or buts. They are clearly in far better shape than me but it felt good to at least try and keep up for a bit. I know that several of my friends back in Newcastle do the gym so I'm going to try and keep it up. We're going again tomorrow. Apparently today was a leg day. My legs agree. Tomorrow is an arm and core day. This is apparently a good thing.
Of course, in a weight loss sense, we ruined it immediately by heading out for scampi and chips afterwards but, again, I feel ok with this. I'm not actually fat. I just need to turn what fat I have into muscle and I'd have a pretty good body shape.
That being said, my skin is rebelling against me. I'm slightly allergic to my own sweat and right now it feels like my face has been pulled backwards with a pair of clothes pegs. I can live with this if it means feeling this good.
So, once again, a practical day. This is what I need. If I stop, I focus on my emotional self who, frankly, needs to get stuffed. I am an amazing person when I let myself be. I'm intelligent; direct; honest; occasionally funny and I need to learn that I can do these things for myself.
Ross actually put it well this evening for me. I made mention of the fact I've always wanted to go to Prague and he asked me why I hadn't. I explained all of my responsibilities, both fiscal and otherwise. His response? "Fuck it. Do what you want to."
I grew up being very aware of my responsibilities. What I felt I had to do for the world around me. When Charlotte and I got together I started to become aware of my desires. What I wanted to do for us. Now, I'm becoming very aware of my options. What I want to do. I'm still sorry I'm not going to be doing these things with her but perhaps life actually needs to work the other way around. Perhaps you do this stuff and then find someone to do it with. If nothing else, tonight added to my pool of interesting life experiences. I went to a new place with my work friends and I achieved something whilst having fun. I hope this is a mental state that stays because it feels very right. I think this selfish streak may be the way to go.
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