And by "sick" I don't mean "I have the flu."
I'm just so incredibly depressed right now... I had a barium swallow in the morning (which, as I found out later, came back normal) and then 12 hours later I was vomiting and in excruciating pain (much like back in January). So mom took me, around 11:30 PM to urgent care.
So I spent the next 6 hours hooked up to an IV giving me fluids and a couple medications (because I threw up my Zofran pill around 11 PM), had blood drawn several times, gave a urine sample, and was just monitored for awhile.
So now I have 3 appointments next week... An ultrasound, a CT scan (with another urine sample and blood panel), and a follow-up with my primary care physician. And because of what happened, I'm obviously not going to see Melanie this weekend like I had wanted... and I probably won't be able to for another 3 weeks.
And to think I was looking for jobs yesterday and the day before.
How can I hold a job like this ?!?!?!
I just... I cried so much last night that I wore myself out, but all I've wanted to do all day is cry more. I'm going to need a job soon but what if I had a job and I was working last night or today ? What if I had a job while I was sick with the same symptoms for 2 straight weeks in January and early February ? I can't ask my parents to keep spending money on me, I can't ask them to take on my car payment, I need to try to save at least another thousand if I plan to move...
Also UofMD College Park rejected Cori. Granted we knew that was the long shot, but... he would have been able to live near me and have us to help him out and I wouldn't have necessarily needed to move out... but... the cost of living is so high here... and now I am just freaking out so bad. West Virginia U has called him and is trying to set up an interview and while Morgantown is closer to DC than Minneapolis, I don't think I would move to WV. And selfishly, if WVU pays for him to come out for an interview, I want it to be for 2-3 days and not like a day trip so I could theoretically visit him since Morgantown is about 3 1/2 hours away. I think it's the only state where he applied to a university I wouldn't actively want to go to (but again, it's a relatively doable drive so it's not a complete loss). And because College Park said no, he doesn't think Baltimore will accept him, either.
And since he hasn't heard from Cincinnati yet, I'm just really... really worried. I mean, I am literally praying to a God I barely believe in that Cori gets accepted. It's the most beneficial to both of us and I want it to work out, for him and for me.
But now I'm even more worried because of my health... they don't know what's wrong with me but obviously SOMETHING is wrong with me... And it IS frustrating because this is completely inhibiting my search for a job and I don't know what to do. And what if I'm still having these episodes 3 months from now ? What if I become an urgent care regular ? I'm not going to get disability from this and I can't hope Cori makes enough to support both of us so what am I going to do ????
I'm so tired. I woke up at 5:45 in the morning yesterday and since I spent the night awake in urgent care (with my mom, I thanked her a million times for taking me and staying awake with me) I slept from about 6:45 AM-11:15 AM this morning, then again from about 2-5 PM. Finally showered just a bit ago (still felt like hospital) and now I'm just trying not to have a nervous breakdown.
I just want to live my life... and I'm wasting it... and I need a job but I want to find out what the hell is wrong with me first... I'm used to endometriosis pain. This is completely different. And I don't know what it is and neither do the doctors yet.
**Edit
I feel like the most useless person in the world. Cori just said I'm the meanest person to myself, and I know it's true. But what am I ? A 26-year-old who still lives at home with no job who spends most of her time in the hospital now, who still relies on her mom to take her to urgent care at midnight to 6 AM, someone who is scared to move out because she can't plan worth shit and wants one thing to happen but knows there's a good chance it won't happen and then she'll be stuck in this endless cycle of never meaning anything to anyone besides a car payment and a medical liability.
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