This year started out as a bumpy road, but I think I might start finally getting back into the groove and moving my life forward for the better. I have had my job since January and since then I have been somewhat happier, just being able to pay my bills and help pay my parents bills is a great accomplishment for me and feels good to be able to help provide once again.
I have 2 maxed out credit cards (from years ago) and I hadn’t made a payment on them since November so I am over 100 days delinquent. I was just going to let it go to collections, but something told me to try and see if there were any plans that they could put me on so I could get back on track. I called and was able to set up payment plans with both credit card companies and by July, my accounts will be reaged and current. They will still be suspended, but that is fine because I need to focus on paying them off then spending the money. That took up most of my day Monday, figuring that out.
I am just happy that I am able to actually take control of my life again and put the puzzle pieces of it back together. The best way to think of how my life ended up the way it is right now is to think of a puzzle fully completed on a coffee table and then someone throwing the table and the pieces going all over the room. I am slowly getting the puzzle back together.
I also have some other exciting news. I have decided to go back to school for accounting. I have always loved numbers and math and I think I would be great with managing money. I am going to go to a community college and get an associates degree for accounting and then get a job in accounting. Maybe wait a year and see if I like accounting, if not I want to transfer to a university and get a bachelors in accounting/finance and become a financial advisor. I have always been good with controlling my money when I have it and plan accordingly. I have never really felt like I could become someone, but with this degree and job, I believe I have a purpose in this world. I can actually be someone who matters to others and have an impact on other peoples lifes.
This is the direction my life needed to take and I am so happy to be along for the journey. Don’t get me wrong, my life these past weeks haven’t been rainbows and sunshine and I have recently ended up cutting my wrist again, but I just hope with all this positivity coming into my life, that the cutting will stop and I will finally be happy.
And before anyone comments and says that cutting is a cry for attention. It’s NOT! Cutting is a way to show you the pain that you feel emotionally, just physically instead. It allows the person to almost cross that line and end it once and for all, but while still being able to live. If I go flashing it and showing it off, then yes, thats a cry for attention, but I cover mine up with bracelets. Don’t get me wrong, it would be nice if someone saw it and actually was concerned, but that will never be the case. Because most people think its a cry for attention and that can actually hurt the person more than anything. I think most people who do see it, if they even do, just think its a cat scratch or something. They just overlook it. And for now, I am fine with that, but that is also why I created this journal. So, I can express my emotions and feelings without looking anyone in the face or seeing how they will react. Just letting it out there, without anyone really knowing who I am.
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