I wanted the next entry i wrote to be a nice stable happy one.... well guess what..life doesn't fucking work that way. I'm an anger ball today, nothing in particular set me off. Nightmares last night, I dreamt my dad died. that's fucking horrible. I woke up with the worst feeling in the world. I've also been smoking dirty fucking ciggarettes lately, and I haven't had any in a couple days so that is also a contributing factor to the fucked up way I feel today. I swear I could rip someone's head off given the chance. So far I've recognized this and avoided talking to anyone, avoiding facebook so I don't say something I'll regret later, avoiding fucking everything. I've been cleaning all morning and watching Dr. Who & The walking dead. Watching TWD just made me hate people even more than I did already today. lol I just watched episode 8 of the current season, I'm a little behind, but I couldn't watch anymore after that, made me wanna get violent.
You know what sucks about all this changing, is that I have changed so much that I don't even feel like I relate to any of my friends anymore. It's fucking sucks.I went away this weekend to celebrate a friends birthday.. I drove up with one of my "best friends" and really all I wanted to do was come home. I really just don't know if I can stand her anymore. That's sad. We've been friends for over 10 years.. well I guess now with my new perspective, I've been babysitting her for 10 years.. That's so mean of me to say, but there's a lot of truth in it. I've saved her ass many a times..and what do I get for it...NOT A FUCKING THING. I had fun drinking with my other friends, but that was all the fun I had, when we were drinking. I woke up the next morning & couldn't wait to get the hell outta there. I just ... I don't know. I guess it's time to find some new friends. I'm sad. I've never felt like this before, I've felt angry at my friends for thinking they know me.. when no one actually does.. but this..this is a different feeling. Lately I've been feeling a lot more mature than they are. It's nothing bad on them, I just don't feel like I really fit in with them anymore.
Finding a new job will help with that, that's what I have to do this week/weekend/next week. I think I'm going back to waitressing until I figure out whatever it is that will make me happy in this fucking life. At least in restaurant life the stress only lasts the shift and I don't bring anything home with me...besides money ;)
I went out for coffee last week with my friends Jacob's girlfriend. That was really nice, they are a different group of friends than the ones I mentioned above...she's actually younger than any of my friends, but we ended up talking for like 2 hours...It's been a long time since I've been so engrossed in conversation that I actually lost track of time. It was nice. I will have to start spending more time with her.
i needed to get some of this shit out, I need to go pick up supplies for my seniors art class tonight, and I don't want to be angry in public, or tonight, I need to let some stuff off my chest. Thank God for prosebox, or I really would be much more of a basket case than I currently am. I officially ended things with one of the Friends with benefits, the one who I've had for a few years now.. We never see each other anyways, and I just felt like It was time to cut the cord, move on. I don't regret it at all.. One less string attached to me. I alluded that there was someone else, but there isn't, not the way I made it seem. I didn't want to hurt his feelings. He never did anything to me, other than take me for granted, and that's his issue now. I've come to terms with everything.
thanks for letting me vent. I needed that, hopefully my next entry will be the happy one I am longing for. Don't get me wrong, I am thankful for many things today..but the angers just coming out a little strong.
Hope all you wonderful people have a great day.
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