So the money was transferred into my account and has been changed into Euros. I've got my macbook pro charged with some movies ready to go and my iPad the same. I've even charged up the 3DS in hopes of assuaging the terminal boredom. Got my clothes washed and packed; the passport ready; Ross and Rob are bringing the tickets (god help them if they forget); basically I'm ready for the business trip.
I just don't feel ready. To be honest, today I'm not feeling much of anything. It's not that it hasn't been productive but it was all stuff that needed doing and nothing that I wanted to do. I got invited out to the Cumberland Arms for a drink and I know I should want to go. It is, after all, the best pub in newcastle. I just can't seem to summon up the energy. I've put on some heavy rock in the hopes of being stimulated by overwhelming bass guitar but so far that hasn't worked either.
Two weeks away. Last time this happened I experienced alot of different emotions about it. I was excited to be going back to Stockholm; apprehensive about being away from Charlotte; happy to be so productive; scared at the idea of running a training group to people for who english was a secondary language; frustrated at the limitations of being there on a work budget rather than for a holiday; worried at what I was going to do over the weekends; joyful that my career had progressed to a point this was becoming a semi-regular thing.
This time. Nothing. I might as well be there as here. I might as well be going to the shops. This should be a major thing for me. It's people from all of Europe getting together. It's a big deal that I'm going. It's a big deal that the company I work for invest this much in me. I should be excited. I just feel, well, "what's the point?" about it. That's really how I feel about everything today. Didn't get my weights lifted. They're sat on the floor. Glaring at me. Judgemental fuckin' inanimate objects.
I assumed that when I had a car I'd be all over the north east in minutes. It's been an objective for so long. It was my plan. Same feeling. "What's the point?". Nothing has changed, despite the fact everything has. The problem has never been the world. The problem is me. I work well with goals. Objectives. I'm a person who knows what they want. Maybe I don't express it well but I generally know where I'm going. Right now I just feel a little lost about the whole life experience.
Please don't take this to be a depressive rant because it isn't. It isn't any kind of rant. I don't really feel up or down or angry or sad or anything. What'd be the point?
I spent an hour in the bathroom this afternoon. Trimmed my hair; waxed it; sorted out the beetling brow and washed and scrubbed my skin pink and glowing. Why? I honestly don't even know. It's just what I do.
I need some sort of booster. Something. Need to feel good or bad. Something I can identify with. Just not empty. I've had enough feeling empty to last several life times and I don't want to go back to that.
Ok. I'm going try and come up with a plan. May be back later to let you all know how it turned out. If not, I guess the next entry will come from Ireland.
Ramble.
Loading comments...