Winter - 1 in Sadness is just a word

It’s a down day for me. Something I haven’t had many of since starting Citalopram about two years ago. Lately, I haven’t been taking it because I want to be off of it for a while. It evens me out but I feel less and eat more. The anxiety and depression are still there but it’s like having a heavy blanket thrown over them. It softens their shape, makes them less scary, and hides them from immediate view. What I really need is emotional therapy that helps me learn coping mechanisms that I have spent so much of my life bereft. I suffer from dark and sometimes suicidal thoughts, feelings of hopelessness, and a stunningly brittle self-worth.

I am and always have been a man of many crippling regrets. Paralyzed by choice, loathing my decisions, diving deep into what-ifs. I live so much of my life in my head, an awful echo chamber. The thoughts bounce and magnify ceaselessly. I cannot let them out. They are my private, deserved torture.