Random sadness, does this happen to you? in Reflection and Release

Today was a pretty productive day for the most part. I went to the mechanic to change my car battery, hit a quick workout before work, and saw some friends after just to check up on them. Out of no where I start feeling a sudden feeling of sadness. Changes my entire mood and probably my outlook of the day. So much so that I ended up feeling the need to write and it led me right back here.

I have too many regrets to count in my life and I’m only 26. It really bothers me even as I type this. I don’t really know what to do but try to talk it out to this page.

Am I lonely?
-No
Am I unloved?
-No
Am I where I wish I could be in my journey?
-No
Am I still resentful of my decisions that brought me to being here at this very moment?
-Hell yea
Do I think I don’t manage my relationships well?
-Yes I do
Do I feel like I’m unworthy of true love?
-To be honest I know I shouldn’t believe that but I know somewhere deep I do
Do I lack what I need to be someone worthy of a relationship?
-Probably not considering people have that with less than what I have
Have I given life 100% to give me a chance at creating a better life?
-Only when necessary and sometimes not even then
Am I cold, without drive and ambition?
-No
Do I believe that I could be the person that deserves a better life?
-Sometimes no
Is life fair to me?
-I think I’m pretty spoiled based on how much worse it could have been
Do I think I’m adequate to handle another level of consiousness that builds stability for a family?
-Sometimes I think I can but I let my past define my future
Why do I always mess up good things?
-Maybe I don’t think I deserve them
Why do i feel unworthy of my friends?
-They love and care about me and I think I’m bringing them down
Are you toxic?
-Far from it
Do you have addiction problems?
-I’m addicted to masturbation and bbw fetish videos
Are you sad about your penis size?
-I’ve had sex twice and no woman has told me I’m small, all I know is that I don’t have a penis the size of a pornstar and it bothers me to my core
Do you love yourself?
-I know that I’ve been blessed in so many ways to be in the skin I am in today, however I’ve never loved who I am because of 15+ years of weight issues.
Have you improved your self esteem since college?
-In many ways I am the furthest thing from the person I was in college, so much so that I look at that version of myself and harbor ill will and resent it, I wish I could erase all of the memories that remind me of all the times I’ve failed my parents and myself
Do you want to go back to college?
- I want to go to college so I can conquer it and become educated enough to fight for a better job or build my business
Are you frustrated with the fact that you didn’t graduate with everyone else?
-I am frustrated that I chose to fail at school andcontinue to fail at school until I became riddle with thousands of dollars in debt and nothing to show for it
Do you trust yourself to get things done for your future?
-I’ve done it before and I’ll do it again, that being said, holding up that level of responsibility truly scares me because every time I try, I don’t give my all and then end up reinforcing my lack of self belief.
Are you lonely?
-I wish I could be someone who could attract a higher level of women but fear that the minute they find out who I am they’d see me as not worthy
Are you sad about your relationship experiences?
-I am sad that I lost my virginity to a woman who smelled like rotten fish in her pants, I am sad that the women I want don’t seem to want me, I am sad that I have no one to call when I’m feeling like having sex, I am sad that my history of companionship has always been ruined by my own actions or lackthere of
Are you lonely?
-I have family who loves me and freinds who care but I don’t have a woman who I can just be myself with and support me when I need to be supported so that I can do the same for her, I don’t even know if she exists, I worry that I’ll never find happiness, I worry that my brain won’t let someone get to know me, I worry that I am guarded because I don’t believe I’m enough, I’m worried that if i keep worrying I’ll never get out of it
Do you feel better now?
-Not really, just getting more and more anxious about the possibilities

I have no clue what brought on this fog of sadness going on in my heart. i suspect it is withdrawls from masturbation. I havent gone more than a week without masturbation. In the last 3 days I’ve ejaculated 2-3 times a day. I feel physically abused and out of control. I’ve gotten back to senter by not masturbating and this is now the second day of my not looking at porn. I have to set up a porn blocker just to save myself from my own destruction. I wish I didn’t spend money on the new clothes and jewelry during this quarantine. I feel like a fraud at times for still being in this same predicament. So much pain being held back by my newfound strength. Underneath it all it sits there, stopping me from moving forward and letting go. Like a ball and chain, making me prisoner. I love I live I lie I lay. Hopefully you don’t feel this way next year. I looked at my old entries and thought wow I’m still dealing with this two years later. I need to get out. I want to get out. My fear won’t let me. My light feels dim. My spirit cannot take over.

I AM