I…I don’t even know what to say anymore.
I’ve reached the point of just not having an explanation for how I feel. I’m back home for spring break and it’s not even really a break. I have to study for an exam that’s coming up after break. Also, I went through a major meltdown because I realized I was just not cut out for my major and decided to switch. This wasn’t just a “Oh snap. Suddenly I don’t feel like this major suits me.” moment. The major I chose was ingrained into part of my personality and to realize I had no skill for was earth shattering and sent me into a state of panic for an entire week. I was determined that it was this major or nothing else and it had been the plan since I was a child.
I’ve also just become inexplicably lonely for the past few months and I have no clue why. I have never had a problem with being single my ENTIRE LIFE, but hey! I guess it’s just my turn! And it sucks, just in case you were wondering. My mom is encouraging me to go out and be social so I can find a boyfriend! IT’S NOT THAT EASY FOR ME! I have a hard enough time being social, but you want me to go out so I can find a boyfriend?! Like that’s gonna happen.
I’ll call her up on a Saturday night and she’s like “Why aren’t you at a party? it’s 10:00 shouldn’t you be out with your friends?” Um no… if I’m out “with my friends” that means we went to pick up taco bell came back to campus and are in the middle of binge watching SPN, Kitchen Nightmares, or The Addams Family (and I’m talking the black and white production). Hell, if it’s warm enough we are taking a midnight stroll to the lake so that we can role play our original characters for one of the stories we are writing. The closest we get to going out is reenacting the bar scene from the story I am currently writing because her OC is a bartender and my OC needs a beer to deal with her current dilemma. OR she gets to play her deadly assassin character from her story and I take on the role of the other characters.
Of course I can’t tell her this because she’ll think I’m weird and I know that I’m weird, but I want to take her advice to go meet people but there are three major problems with that.
1) My school is in the middle of nowhere and has a super small campus population that consists mostly of girls (female to male ration is 10/1). 2) We have visitation policies and there is no such thing as a good party on campus. 3) ALL THE GUYS ON MY CAMPUS ARE EITHER TAKEN, NOT INTERESTED, OR CRAZY!!!
So I’m sat here with my lonely self, just wanting to have a damn relationship that I probably will never get, because there is no way in hell that it’s possible. I get that I’m not the prettiest flower in the field, but I’m nice! Sure I can be sassy and I use sarcasm as a defense mechanism and, yeah, I have some weird hobbies/interests. I’m a person with unique character but nobody likes unique . Sorry I don’t meet your standards, I’ll just go crawl back into my hole now-thanks.
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