written 9/27/1999 Things have been getting a bit better, thank God. Sunday started out like the weekend before it - I got up in the morning feeling that I just couldn’t stay at home and become more depressed than I was. So I went to work (and to the gym!), even though it was supposed to be a vacation. I left him a note saying that I was at work and that I loved him (Liar? I don’t know).
At some point near noon I got a phone call - Odie wanted to know when I was coming home, but I had no indication whether he was asking because he wanted me to come home or because he wanted me to stay away.
Two hours later I got another phone call - he was calling to tell me he was sad. Was there anything I could do about it? - Come home and give him a kiss. So even though I was having a better time at work (says something abut my life), I came home. He was sleeping, which was fine with me.
The afternoon progressed rather weirdly. He woke up and we hugged and kissed like nothing was wrong, But then we really couldn’t find a way to interact comfortably. So I sat down with a book and he worked on…. Inventing gods. Yeah, for his D&D sessions. Once in a while I looked over his shoulder and commented on some god, and he asked me questions like: "Give me an idea for a feminist ritual that does not involve burning males". It could have been a really nice afternoon, just sitting there, each one doing his/her own thing, but we did feel kind of strange.
Everything got a little better when we went to the movies. Movies kind of have a way of doing that - because you don’t have to talk but you can just sit next to the other person and laugh, and hold there hands and feel close. We saw the movie "Waking Ned Divine". It’s recommended (for uptight couples trying not to bring up sensitive issues).
We felt good enough after that to go to a nice pub and talk like human beings. And then go home and go to sleep hugging, and I didn’t even ask to be on the outside of the bed. (This makes him uncomfortable because it makes him feel like I’m trying to get away from him. You can understand why, with this attitude, I would want a way out).
So the next morning I get up all peppy and wanting to do something nice. I decided not to go to work and instead tried to plan stuff to do for the day. Horseback riding, Safari, tropical birds, even a phone card exhibit - anything just to get us out of the house and make me feel that I was on vacation. But when Odie finally got up, he had a reason not to do anything - his back hurt, he had no money, he had to be back in Jerusalem by 18:00 for a D&D session, etc. We ended up just doing the laundry. Not a bad experience in itself but I was kind of disappointed. I’d wanted to do something special I couldn’t do any other day.
Some of the friends I’ve talked to have told me that any guy would have a problem with a girl who doesn’t want to have sex. Both because it would make him feel unloved, and because it would make him horny as hell. But the same way I don’t want to have sex, he doesn’t want to do almost anything else! He never wants to go to museums or hiking trips or just take a walk through the city. Only coffee shops, movies and sex. So if I can live with that, he can live without a little thing like sex, right? But I think if he leaves me alone for a while at some point my passion will come back and everything will be okay….
By the way, at the laundromat he asked me if when we got home I wanted to "fool around for a while". I can’t believe he asked that after the weekend we’d had. He has this personality which makes not a really good hint taker. I said "fool around how much", and he said "Never mind" and became sad and quiet. But, to my utter surprise, hen we finally got home (laundry took about 3 hours) he asked again. I wanted to tell him that it would be okay, as long as we could stop when I wanted to, because that’s what I’m always afraid of - that we’ll start when I’m in the mood and have to keep going long after I’m not in the mood. It’s this fear that makes me not want to do it in the first place. But instead of saying it out loud I just thought I would tell himk to stop when we got to the point. But in the middle of everything our roommate Cocoa* came in and we had to stop anyway.
So I kind of got off the hook for a few more days, but my assertiveness training went to hell….
*I’ll have to explain about the housing situation at some point….
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