written 9/16/1999
Still haven’t gone to the gym. I’ll go today! I promise! Well, next week is Yom Kippur. To anyone who doesn’t know, Yom Kippur is a one of those happy Jewish holidays we spend fasting. Jewish holidays are usually spent eating, especially if you’re not religious and don’t go to the synagogue, so this one is a good compensation. No one can guess my real reason for fasting: I want to prove to myself that I can spend a whole day not eating. I figure if I can do it for one day, it will be easier to convince myself during other days that I can give up this or that meal. Well, it worked in the way that I know I can do it - I have been fasting on Yom Kippur for about 10 years now. But not any other day of the year. Even tough I tried. Even though I said to myself - pretend this is Yom Kippur. (I usually did this on the day after a binge, to try to compensate for it - how stereotypical). I never managed.
Why is that? Does anyone have an idea?
And then there’s the pizza thing. Fat people get blamed for not having willpower. I thought this was true for me and I still basically think it is, except for the pizza thing. When I was 15 I made a bet with this guy, that I would never eat another pizza for the rest of my life. I was on a diet at that time (what’s new) and he was trying to convince me it wouldn’t work. So he said "what, are you never going to eat pizza for the rest of your life?"
And so it came to be.
I tell people I don’t like pizza, but the truth is I like it very much. Yet, when my friends order pizza, I never take even a bite. Even if I have to go hungry. I just don’t. Ever. There were many times that I thought of breaking this bet. I don’t even know the guy any more. I could just imagine myself taking a bite out of that pizza. But something stopped me. And I wish I knew what that something was, because it would solve a lot of my problems. Not all of them, but some.
So I do have these little islands of momentary will-power hidden somewhere inside my impulsive, chaotic personality. Happy Yom Kippur to me.
On a different note - I reread yesterday’s entry, and I’m not sure I agree with me (maybe I should leave myself a flame note). I think I do love Odie a bit (Explanations about the name next time). We had a very nice evening yesterday. As long as he doesn’t want too much sex I’m okay. And as long as he lest me sleep on the outer side of the bed so I can wake up in the middle of the night and be depressed without him getting up to ask me what’s wrong.
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