Okay, so here is part two of my journaling about resentments.
Eric.
I don’t even know where to really start with that relationship. We were together for about 3 years (I think a little less than). That was just a roller coaster of a relationship. He was a narcissist. I (naturally) did not see that until I finally left him. He love-bombed me so hard in the beginning. I was hurting from my failed marriage, and he swooped in and took advantage of that. All the grandiose gestures to make me fall head-over-heels in love with him. Looking back on it, I can see just how over-the-top those gestures were (sending flowers to my work, flying my sister out for my birthday, getting me extravagant gifts, etc). While in some relationships, those might not be extravagant, given the short period of time we had been dating, it was very much that.
I moved halfway across the country to be with him – from New Jersey to Minnesota. We had only been dating 4 months. I lived with him and his father. Throughout the relationship, we were constantly swinging between “I love you, I want to be with you forever!” to “I don’t think this is working, maybe we should break up.” This went on for years. There were so many occasions I told him, “I need you to do this, or I can’t stay with you.” (Mind you, the biggest thing was moving out of his father’s house, or at the bare minimum cleaning up the upstairs that was a pig-sty). He was constantly gas-lighting me, making me question if I was being rational or irrational. Trying to change me, because “You have so much potential! I’m just trying to help you be the best you can be!” Pushing me FAR outside my comfort zones in that guise.
There was a LOT of trauma and emotional abuse. And then there was the sex. I’ll admit it was frequently GREAT. Except for the times I didn’t want to have sex. On more than one occasion he coerced me; begging and pleading and repeatedly asking until I just rolled over and said, “FINE.” And let him do his thing. Some people would say it was rape. I don’t feel that it was, but it was definitely abusive since it wasn’t enthusiastic consent.
One day I finally got super pissed off at him for something big, and we had a conversation. I broke up with him and left. I moved into Patrick’s place (we were polyamorous, and I had been dating Patrick for a few months by then). He pulled every narcissist trick in the book. He FINALLY cleaned the upstairs like how I’d been asking for YEARS. He constantly texted me. Telling me how he would change, how we could make this work. How much he loved me and couldn’t bear the thought of not being with me.
It disgusts me to even think about it, now.
But I am no longer there. I’m sad that I got into that situation, and that all the abuse happened. I’m still angry and resentful at the gall he had to treat me that way. I should have left sooner. But I didn’t recognize what was going on. I’m really not upset with myself for staying as long as I did. More than anything, I’m happy I got OUT when I did, and I didn’t go back and repeat the abusive cycle so many people find themselves sucked into. I didn’t have the self-awareness and self-love that I have now. That gave me an experience I really needed in order to be a better person.
I still dread running into him, randomly. The last time I saw him was maybe 2 years ago. I was hiking with a friend at a state park, and somehow managed to bump into him and some of his friends not once, but TWICE (mind you, this park has 10+ miles of trails so the chances of it happening are slim). I clammed up and while I was courteous, I certainly wasn’t warm.
Aside from fearing my reaction if I ever see him, again, I feel pretty okay about leaving it all in the past. I know I’ve learned a lot from that. I don’t feel a burning anger towards him like I used to. As I feel myself healing, I feel the anger receding. Nothing he did will ever be remotely okay, but it happened. I’m going to pray to my higher power to allow me to let go of this resentment, so I can move on and have room in my heart for better, healthier emotions. I want to give it up, cut those strings that are holding me back. And I want to do so with love. Because he IS sick, and I do hope that he’s gotten some sort of help since I left. And maybe done some healing on his own. Who knows, maybe I’ll be pleasantly surprised if I ever run into him, again.
But that’s neither here nor there. My part was not setting healthy boundaries, not getting out sooner, and not continuing the mental health treatment I so badly needed at that point in my life. Those are things I’ve been working on over the past 6 months – and will continue to monitor and work on improving for the rest of my life. Life is fluid, and there will always be more to learn and do!
~Stephanie~
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