Where is the breath? in by degrees

I really shouldn’t be doing this right now because I don’t have time.

I don’t know where to begin.

I don’t know where to find the space I’m wanting.

I spent this weekend on a mindfulness retreat in Seattle with my Dharma teacher, Robert. Ricardo came too. It was wonderful and I was able to really drop in and be there, despite a swirling list of to-do’s in the back of my mind that were becoming even more pressing and overdue with each moment.

I find myself thinking that I’ll have time to breathe if and when I go to Naropa in a year and a half, and meditation and mindfulness become a part of what is required of me on a daily basis. Which is absurd. Because (1) I haven’t even applied yet and it’s completely uncertain as to whether I will get in! (2)If I do get to go, It’s A YEAR AND A HALF FROM NOW. (3) Most importantly, Mindfulness is all about that NOW IS ALL THERE IS. Jesus Christ. Or, Lord Buddha, I guess.

I know in my mind and heart that putting off being present, putting off making space for practice, putting off the quiet that I long for, even in the service of important “self improvement” like NVC practice and teaching, therapy, volunteer gigs, etc., is just the opposite of what I’m truly longing for.

But HOW DO WE DO THIS LIFE? I keep obsessively looking at my calendar and trying to do some kind of magical math that can make it all fit. All of that and my relationships, my friendships, my family??? I’m just so overwhelmed. I don’t know where to find the space. I have had the thought many times that if I could just quit my job it would solve all of my problems. Of course that’s ridiculous, and of course, even if I could, it wouldn’t be true.

The only thing that feels helpful and hopeful is the absolute knowing that this is all anicca–impermanent. Thank god that we’re all just going to die, right? I’m sort of kidding, but not really. It truly is helpful to keep that in mind. To take a step back and just say, what really matters?

Until then, I’ll do my best to keep breathing, and whenever possible, notice it.