I waited patiently for S to text me, glancing unconcerned at the clock. It was 6:20am. He said he would be off around 6 but 6:30 at the latest. I continued playing my game. I glanced at the clock again. 6:25. I was so tired… I had a few hours left before I was supposed to be going and having sex again. I hoped it would be good. This guy promised he wouldn’t finish before I did. But I wasn’t holding my breath. I hadn’t slept yet. I should be sleeping. But instead, I was going out with the nice taxi driver man. It wasn’t a romantic thing or anything. He seemed almost fatherly. A concerned man seeing a woman on a shaky path, perhaps? Funny that anyone would look at me that way!
I was pulled from my thoughts as I noticed a text, 6:28am, see you in 10 minutes. Okay I say. I sit and listen to some music videos until I see the “I’m here” text. Then I hop out the door.
I get into the van and smile at S. We drive towards his spot to leave the taxi and pick up his personal vehicle. We stop for gas and as we are parked, he’s out of the car pumping gas and I have this inexplicable urge to run away. Get out of the car and run, run as far as you can. I frown, analyzing the feeling. Why would I feel that way? There haven’t been any red flags. Calm down. He’s just a nice man.
He gets back in the car and I smile pleasantly, showing no hint of anxiety. We drive away and head to McDonald’s for breakfast. I wasn’t too excited about having McDonald’s for breakfast but I wasn’t paying. So I wasn’t complaining, either. We ordered and he drove to a park. We chatted about life and random topics on the way there.
When we got to the park, we got out and sat at a picnic table in the shade. It was lovely. The air was cool and it was perfect. I could’ve curled up and gone to sleep right there. I listened without paying too much attention to S chat away. I was aware of his speaking and what he was saying but if he’d asked me, I would not have been able to tell him what he said.
Slowly, I start to tune in as he’s telling me I should be happier and not think negative thoughts. That I’m a pretty girl and the world shouldn’t be robbed of me. I bristle a little, what right does the world have to me? I push it away and tune out again.
Suddenly I’m pulled to reality when he starts telling me he wants to spoil me. My eyes turn, focusing on him. What does he mean? He starts telling me how special he thinks I am and how in all of his hours of taxi driver he’s never met anyone that has made him feel the way I do. I smile politely. I’m really not interested.. but he’s older than I am. You respect your elders.
He continues prattling along and then suddenly asks me about my sexual preferences. I blush and tell him that I like it hard and/or rough. He asks me what I mean. I say that I like to be bruised, thinking once again of my submissive nature. I wonder if maybe he can be Dominant? Oh he says, I’m not into bruising and that. But rough sex? I love that! I’d fuck you so rough.
I stare in shock. Suddenly realizing how naive I was. This man wanted to fuck me as badly as any other random guy. He wasn’t just being nice or anything of the sort. I felt tricked, robbed of some safety. Understanding that this man wanted to take from me… But who was I to deny him? Besides, maybe I’d get what I want out of it? I’ve fucked other guys before, why not this one too? Maybe because you’re a slut and a whore? You’re disgusting. I shiver and tears well behind my eyes as the hateful voice in my head spews disgusting, wickedness at me. I willed it away, telling the voice it wasn’t true. But inside I wonder… maybe it is true? I just want to feel satisfied!
By now, S is pawing all over me… kissing and massaging my neck and making plans to meet at a hotel tomorrow afternoon. I agree. Why? I still have no answer. After some time, S decides he is much too tired for anymore socializing and takes me home.
I sat at my desk talking to V about the night’s activities. She slept the whole thing through! Crazy what could happen in a few hours. I sighed. I thought about everything deeply and I wondered if I would ever feel satisfying sex…
Aha! I’m going on a quest for good sex I decide. I will sleep with people until I find someone who knows how to satisfy me. I also think it would be a whole lot of fun to blog about it! Thus, here we are…
And as I am nearly finished typing out entry 2, J messages me. My eyes widen in stunned shock, reading the message again and again… My phone died. Had to get a new one. I stared. I was unable to describe the thick, rolling feeling in my stomach. What have I done? J hasn’t ghosted me. A mix of horror, shock and strangely, relief ripples through me. Horror because of what I’ve done… and that I would have to tell him the truth of it as well. Fear pulsed through me. Fear at what the punishment would be… Would he be angry? Would he not want to talk to me or anything anymore? I shivered.
I tried so hard to do exactly what was wanted of me. I’ve never felt anything like what J makes me feel and he’s barely laid a hand on me. When I first met him, his energy was so overwhelming I wanted to sit at his feet and bask in it. Yet I held my ground, keeping myself as composed as I could. I want to be enough for him. I would do anything he says… My mind can’t wrap around understanding why someone given the opportunity to please him would turn it down or look elsewhere.
The connection there is quite uncanny. I had a small taste of what is missing in my life and I went searching for it. Having found it and then thinking it was taken away… I couldn’t take one more loss, one more thing I can’t have… I had to have it. I went seeking it again.
I understand now that I won’t get what I need through unconnected hookups.
Loading comments...