When You Wake Me, Call Me Darling... in Chapter 9 : Oil Above Water

So…

I nearly fell in to Mundy’s bed last night. I caught myself just in time. What is fucking wrong with me? I like that we’re friends but it’s ridiculous. She’s in love with me. She told Esme, who in turn ran to me to ask if I was aware. I’m not in love with Mundy. I’m not in love with anyone, how can I love anyone when I don’t even like myself? Not surprisngly in the fast paced world of “Fucking Obviously” Mundy’s friends don’t like me either - Big Bad Kit strikes again. insert eyeroll here Apparently she’s told them about our…friendship and they’re also aware that she’s in love with me (NB she’s never told ME this) and they’re under the impression that I have somehow brainwashed Mundy in to whatever this nonsense is with us but when we split up it was by mutual agreement instigated by her. When we started talking again it was instigated by....her. I’m not sure why they think my - or her - sex lives are anything to do with them. I’ve never said that I don’t want her to be with someone else. To be fair, if she met someone else, settled down and was happy with them then I’d be made up for her. She deserves to settle down with a nice girl. She’s on Tinder so it’s not like she’s pinned all her hopes on me. I don’t want to settle down with Mundy though. She lacks ambition, she lacks drive. She’s too lackadaisical. She puts the pro in procrastination. She has no drive. She’s massively co-dependent on others in every aspect of her life, it’s like she’s never heard of autonomy much less has any. Her family is as fucked up as mine though, so we have something in common. We’re both fucked up in the head, we just use it differently. I’m not sure who’s using who to be honest. Her friends think I’m using her, but honestly I don’t think I am. We do things that her friends aren’t interested in buy we are. We don’t split the bills but if she pays for the theatre then I pay for dinner. I know she wants me more than I want her physically, but that’s not hard when you don’t like being touched in general. I won’t lie, I’ve never slept with her with a sound mind. I’m either drunk or freefalling when I fall in to her bed. When it happens it’s not her touch that I crave, it’s not sex that I want, it’s just that I need to remind myself that I’m still able to feel anything at all, that I’m still able to pass myself of as an emotionally functioning human being. That I haven’t completely died inside.
Mundy does’t ignite a spark inside of me, but she’s a nice girl, she’s close by, she wants me. Maybe I am using her? I don’t know. It is my MO after all. Maybe I’m just a fucking sociopath?

Fuck knows.