I’m constantly stuck between my employer and the clients who come here seeking help. Working at a therapy office, all kinds of people walk in and I am no stranger to needing this kind of help. Being more specific, I used to attend therapy sessions in the very same office and with the very same therapist. I was only offered a job back in 2015 because I was jobless for so long and I guess they pitied me. The previous office manager left for bigger and better things so I had to take the role on just a few months after starting. I should point out that this is my first and only job, ongoing for 3 years now. At 22 when I started, everything was overwhelming all the time. My ex therapist became my boss and our relationship became scarcely different. She always told me I was so eloquent when I was a client. I used to pride myself when I was a teen and a young adult, knowing that I was one of the only patients that never cried or needed a tissue. Ironically, working here I’ve cried over and over and over again. And while it was obviously unethical hiring a troubled spoiled young adult with a growing alcohol dependency, I am grateful for the income.
As a past client, I have two perspectives now, a client and a bridge between the clients and their therapist. I am easy to manipulate, struggle saying no, and panic when put on the spot. Not to say that I am incapable of doing well, its a mixture of pressure and self sabotage that I think play a part. I function when no one is looking and my boss is the type to literally hover and stare at me trying to complete a simple task. And consequently simple tasks become clumsy and cringy. She rolls her eyes, walks off, and I die a little more of embarrassment. Anyhow, some clients are chatty when they come in and want to share everything with you before they’re even seen by their actual doctor. I listen, nod, and put myself in their shoes. Sometimes I don’t care to listen but do anyways, offering vague and half-hearted advice. I become too tired to deal with myself or anyone else and just want to be left alone entirely. Other times, I listen and become sad that there is little I can do for them. From time to time, some middle aged women will come in and have a full length discussion when I’m just trying to do my job. I want to tell them I have things I need to do, but can’t because I see they’re struggling. They’ll tell me I’m wise for my age and sometimes cry because they need to get it out, all while thanking me for listening and praising me for my empathy.
Clients on disability or medical leave often come in and need paperwork done so they can get paid while they’re off work and pay their bills/etc. But my boss is so fickle with doing what needs to be done. She complains just about every time there is more paperwork to be done. I understand that it takes time and with our busy schedule she has to find time to do it, but still being frustrated with people is something I don’t understand. Some people have asked if they did something wrong to warrant her less than enthusiastic response and it further puts me in an awkward place. They hand me the paperwork and I have to charge a fee, but she still complains. She’ll take people out of work, put them on disability, and then be irritated when requests for office notes and assessments have to be done monthly for each of them. She will lag on writing up notes at times, and then I have to deal with the client. I nod and say I understand, but there is nothing I can do! They get upset, frustrated, and tell me that their bills need to be paid or that if we don’t send notes, they could get terminated. I feel bad for them, and try to ease them. My boss will tell me that I’m being too nice and says, “They can wait.”
This constantly puts me in a awkward position. I feel bad for the clients who are coming in for help, but instead LEAVE with more stress because of their livelihoods being at stake. And on the same token, I couldn’t have more contempt for how selfish can be. Add on the fact that she’s moody, finding things offensive for no reason. Or the fact that she barks orders and doesn’t mind overlapping with giving me numerous big things to do at the same time.
What’s that? You’re filing a claim?
Dumps charts on my desk that I’ve been looking for along with notes that need to be filed, and various other things she’s neglected to return to my office
Hilariously, I get blamed if things go missing, but 9/10 she most likely has it and has misplaced it in some drawer or under something else.
We move out our furniture so the carpet can be done and the carpet guys finish at like 7 pm. Our landlord was supposed to have hired help to put our furniture back but they either bailed or he didn’t pay. I mention I have two tests for my online classes that’re due at midnight, so naturally I state I can’t be there late, but I’ll help out until 9pm.
10:00 pm: I’m still there and furious, I twisted my ankle lifting couches and big ass desks and after huffing and puffing she finally tells me I can go. I get a C on the test, and am still annoyed with it.
I’ve been frustrated with myself, her, and this place for 3 years. And I’ve lost respect for her as my ex therapist. I see the other side and its worthy of scorn. Most of the time, I get sad and hate myself when I mess up or have been talked down to. But when its not my fault, and I don’t understand her petty complaints, I’m angry. Like, REALLY angry. I have had tons of instances where I’m daydreaming about throwing bleach in her face while being nagged to clean the toilet. I’ve cut myself here a few times with anything sharp I could find and I can say easily that I can’t stand her. As soon as she walks away the fake twitchy smile melts away and I just glare inwardly swearing.
At the same time, the way she looks at me for doing well and smiles as if I’m worth the trouble I cause, I feel satisfied to know I’m not completely worthless. She asks me how I am from time to time, and I stutter gracelessly the entire time but its still pleasant. Two weeks ago when we were moving furniture, she noticed the dark scars on my upper arms and lowered her head asking me if I still cut. I admit that I slip sometimes, and she was sad. I don’t know what I’m doing, people have told me to quit, but I don’t have the nerve and not a clue of what I want.
Loading comments...