In all the insanity that has been happening, with taking N on dates and the impending anniversary of her and my wife’s Mother’s death, things have been chaotic at best. I like N, like a lot, and the wife is fine with that. On our last date she kissed me, and even though we live together, its yet to happen again. I’m a bit confused, and N is having hard time adjusting to this and I really don’t know what to think. I fear, really, that I’m regressing into the flaky mess I was with one of my ex’s and I simply don’t want that. I painted myself as a terrible mess last time because I walked on thin ice for no reason, took no risks. So, I’m writing on here and I’m going to keep things rather vague and maybe get stuff off my back without that happening.
People are going to think I’m a terrible person, and I understand that. But things are far more complicated then they seem, aren’t they always? Today, I really wish I had some people to talk to. I realize that maybe I’ve lost all my friends and that from the past. Funny thing is, I met a lot of them online, and that social environment isn’t even close to the same now. It’s made me boring, and being as I watch 5 kids I can’t really do much outside of that. It sucks, because I put myself in such strange situations and I honestly don’t always know what to do. Oh well.
And I start to wonder, why everyday do I try and help and tend to people who really don’t appreciate it. I offer to rub feet, legs, backs, I’d do anything to help - but I either get it or am flat out rejected. That is just wonderful. You never see anyone, ever, offer to do anything for me. Crack my back, rub my back, or feet when they hurt? Nope. No one. No one gets jealous over me. No one really seems to care unless they want something. I’ve been helping for so long, and it’s not money or things I want, but what do I get? Pushed away or used. Seems like I’ve become more of a push over then I realized. I don’t even know how to feel anymore.
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